I never believe in equality of men and women. Equality of people also. God has created everyone with a purpose, to fulfill their karma obligations and proceed to higher spiritual levels. I believe, everyone gets everything one wants in the end, if not in this janma in the next. These days, am so afraid of wanting anything in life. Am going to take life just as it comes with no expectations.
One of my section mates is getting married next week and all the institute gals made a video to be sent to his future wife and father-in-law which contained messages of how much each of the gals wanted him and felt bad that he was getting married. I was supposed to sob and say, how I was cheated and how sad I was that he was getting married. Another married section mate’s testimony was how disappointed she was that he left her, after she had left her husband for him. And so on.
All my life, it has mostly been guys asking and me escaping or carrying on for a while to eventually part and move on. The first and the only time, all my life, I ever initiated this crap was for one Oct 27 guy, even though I knew he was not my destined one. We had gone to M Engg college in final year for inter college fest, way back in 2002. It was past 4 pm and there was this face painting competition. Those were the days without mobile and I had no face to paint on. I was walking wearily towards to venue and suddenly he passed by and I kept moving on. Think god sent some signal; I turned back and asked him, if he would let me paint on his face. Yes, am very good at talking to strangers first time but I am never good at keeping in touch with anyone in the long run. He agreed. The venue was in the first or second floor. It was hot. Unlike Blore, Trichy is a hot oven. I was sweating profusely and I found I had 5 minutes before the competition started. I went and washed my face and found he was searching for me when I returned just in time.
So the event started and I appraised his charming face and painted his one side and the next side and went on to describe the theme and idea I was going to tell finally. Due to 6-9 Venus-mars combos, or I don’t know what, I kept stepping back once a while to gaze at him. I painted his eyes towards the end. He turned his face as I wanted and posed elegantly. He wore bright lemon yellow shirt that day and I had painted half his face white and half black with other things as well. Think, he was the college charmer as well. The gals who were the judges were flirting with him.
That evening, more than an hour later, he still had not washed his face and he came on stage for a dance with the face painting on. I was flustered. More than my painting, am sure, it was because he was the popular charming guy that I got the first prize that day. And I got one more first again, not for artistry, but for my wordings. It was 3 am when I reached home that night. Thanks to the actor who came late for distributing prizes. Phone was not working at home. Luckily there was one more gal from my place and I joined her father. Back home, my parents, would never bother asking, why I was late. If dad didn’t open the door, I would lie up in the terrace. But that happened just once.
For the first time, I lost my appetite, I tried to slim down, and I was more concerned with my appearance and was angry for the surgical scars and my legs. Ever since 1999, I had given up on my right leg due to the pain. He was the reason, I started to use my right leg to climb up stairs and it was a great joy to discover that I could climb up with both the legs. Later that night, I found my hands hurting, coz I used my hands for support. I had got his mail id and I simply could not get him off my mind. I kept mailing him all nonsense that I don’t completely remember. He replied. Probably he is the only guy in this whole world who called me a panni kutti, vaadi podi and I didn’t mind. I liked everything about him. He was unabashed in his replies. I told him about my caste and scars and he told me that he had an elder brother who was mentally challenged and he was the only hope for his orthodox grandfather. I had separate mail id created for his mails and 6 years later, I don’t remember the password or the id. I didn’t contact him after 2003. I saw him once on webcam, he was webcasting for his sister and I saw his elder brother. That makes me wonder about garuda puranam. Most of the mentally challenged kids that I see, are born as Brahmins. Some rule? I continued sending him bday mails and mailed for a while and as usual, I moved on. Even now, every year, along with poonam’s I remember his bday since they both share the same bday. Am wondering, whether it is a coincidence that my only school friend from 4th standard and he share the same b’ day. He was a moon Cancerian that reflected his responses.
I am very bad at concealing feelings, right from my mentor, to my lecturer, to all my college mates, and back home, he was the topic of my conversations. My lecturer was amused. My mentor told me his sad story after we called it quits.
He joined MTech in S and we had off campus there. I was again all excited all the way from home to his college and was hoping I would bump into him some time. But guess, life has other plans. So the point is, those were the years, when I was thinking, it is the guy who should propose. But in the video we took now, every gal acted so convincingly as to how much we “loved” V and didn’t want him to get married. In the long run, nothing matters. Even if a person gets married or loves, that is just a temporary phase dictated by planets. When the combos turn sour, so do the very same intimate relationships. I have seen people loving for 7 years before marriage and fighting and abusing each other physically, verbally later. What is the point? Some even resort to murder. Whats all this fuss about marriage and love? For something so temporary, so ephemeral. Except for those minority padminis and rare guys, are there any faithful guys left. Again, what is this selfish love that you feel for that one person that makes you kill another person to protect your loved one, or hate the rest of the humanity for treasuring that one love? Is it that, if in the previous janma more than one love one person, then in this janma, he or she might have two partners phased out. I remember Autobiography of yogi saying, love everyone, coz, you might never know, they might have been your fathers, mothers, kids, wives and husbands in the previous janmas.
If we could all love each other selflessly, and generated only positive thoughts, the whole world would be a beautiful and peaceful place without acts of such terrorism. It is because one lustfully or selfishly loves one person above this whole world that all the worlds’ sorrows arise. What gives one the most joy, creates the most distress in its absence. Is it true joy in the first place, if it was merely satisfied with senses? And if life now is not for gratifying your senses but abstaining from all this, what is then the big deal? Is it just escapism to shirk from your worldly duties and want liberation? What is moksha?
No comments:
Post a Comment