Karthigai Deepam Once again

Saturday Morning

I woke up at 6:02 am, made aloo paranthas, chole dry sabji, rotlis and mango pickle and missed the bus by 3 minutes. We boarded an auto at 8:40 am and missed the train which was just moving in platform 4, when we reached platform 1. So we took a bus to central busstand and found a thiruvannamalai bus waiting, we boarded it. So a total sunk cost of train fare 280 + auto fare 250.

This was the first time, we were reaching thiruvannamalai in day light. After sporadic drizzle spells, it was neither sunny, nor rainy, and a pleasant breezy weather prevailed. After Thirukoyilur, we could see all the temple gopurams and the hillock. It was a divine sight.

Thiruvannamalai

It started pouring, once we reached Thiruvannamalai. We alighted at the turning near the statue around 3:00 pm and walked one km towards the temple amidst a heavy downpour. There were uniformed police everywhere and announcements were blaring in loudspeakers. We took bath by a place near the north gopuram. Had a special darshan.

Awesome floral decorations

This was the first time, I went inside the temple during bharani deepam celebrations. Believe, there must have been thousands of kilos of marigolds and chrysanthemums. The inner arunchaleshwarar sannithi was bedecked with deep orange, chrome yellow, ivory white and scarlet red marigolds and crimson pink, violet chrysanthemums, arranged so artfully, that would have put a Mittal family wedding decoration to shame. They had tied silver coloured balls at the end of each string of flowers. It made a special feast for eyes. I wish, these flowers had a fitting fragrance, it would made the whole place spellbinding. In satya yuga all flowers had fragrances it seems.

It must have been around 5 pm, for we saw milk abhishekam. All around the sanctum sanctorum, helpers were up on mobile ladders, handling the large garlands of flowers and arranging them to such perfection. Never realized one could create such graceful artistic patterns with these simple marigolds.

Around 5:30 pm, we had a darshan of Unnamullaiamman and we sat opposite chithragupta sannidhi, next to the sarabeshwarar pillar. Just behind us, a big drums guy, placed his drum. Floral decorations were going on. Meanwhile a high court judge and some dignitary came. The poojari got 2 huge garlands and honored the couple with garlands, did some perfunctory pooja and presented them with pictures of the deities. I sat there for almost 3 hours and decided to savour the decorations once again.

It was raining intermittently. The whole place was light with colourful lights and flowers. We went to the thirumana mandapam by the southwest corner and found 5 ustav moorthis, decorated. We were just in time for the simultaneous aarthi to these 5 dieties. There were media personnel, taking videos of the whole proceedings. A inner pradakshina outside the main sannithi, was so delightful for the eyes. I wished, what if I had arranged for a bharani deepam pass. It was 500 for a bharani deepam pass and 600 for a mahadeepam pass. I wished, I had not booked the train tickets in the morning itself.

Girivalam

Since the pournami night was split, crowd was lesser. Contrary to my fasting plans, I felt hungry around 9 pm and we finished off the aloo paranthas. We started our girivalam around 10 pm. I used most of the drinking water to wash my feet and sandals before starting girivalam. Man, it was such a slush and slurry till ramana ashram. One could have bent down and planted rice saplings. It was a nightmare walking those 1.3 kms. My footwear got stuck in the swampy mud with every step and I had to painfully drag my feet to take the next step. I washed my feet and sandals again in Ramana ashram and roads were ok after that. It did not rain mercifully. But it was soooooo cold. Mom got a terrible cold.

All around, they were offering tamarind bath, sambar sadham, biryani raithas, ellaichi milk, badam milk, 2 types of sundal, sukku malli coffee and so many other stuff. I had sukku malli coffee, since they were offering right on the road without Qs and badam milk. I had no time pressure of sunrise and scorching sun thereafter, so I took elaborate rests on the way and we reached the main raja gopuram around 4 am.
If I were incharge, I would have ensured that the girivalam path was clean and litter free with only sattvic prasad, water and resting facilities at period intervals, a little away from the main path. There would have only been om namashivaya chanting all along the way and the devotees would have to walk either with shiva namam or silently without all those incessant boisterous talks.

Way back home

We reached villupuram station around 7 am. We had a sneek preview of guru payerchi pooja being done at the temple outside the station. We waited, read papers and boarded the Cholan express. Even the newspaper guy was laughing at the choice of train. It took the Seergali, Mayavaram, Mayiladuthurai, thanjavur route to reach trichy junction. When we alighted in busstand, all the ladies were on the road, making such beautiful kolams.

But I was glad, we were at home before 6 pm and had darshan of maha deepam being lit at 6 pm through Sun news. 3000 litres of ghee! I wish, I had planned the girivalam after the maha deepam was lit. Only recently I discovered the pranic benefits of ghee jyotis. All around, rows of lamps were lit in every house. It made such a radiant sight. We lit a couple of mud lamps by the windows. We finally dozed off by 8:30 pm itself due to nice exhaustion.

Pollachi - Aliyar Temple

October 21st Thursday – Thiruvannamalai

It was our relative’s wedding in Samayapuram. Mom had made great plans of waking up at 5:30 am, going to the temple and then going for the wedding and meeting all relatives. But I snoozed the alarm, woke up pretty late, checked mails, and was at the verge of cancelling even sharad poornima girivalam. I wanted to go to thiruvannamalai straight from wedding, but was not comfortable traveling with jewels and silk saree. So we ended up cancelling the wedding and after packing a dinner of chappati sabji, we boarded a bus after 2 pm and reached Thiruvannamalai around 9 pm.

Swathi Sri
We booked a room for a night in Swathi Sri. The guy at the counter was a BE BL. The moment he learnt the institute I graduated from, he said, we graduates ought to pay more when I told him that he is under-quoting his income. He was charging us 450 for room rent and 150 for deposit, while in the bill, he exchanged the rates and showed us all other bills with the same cheating stating he was saving us 10% of service tax. Well whatever, I just wanted to collapse. So we had our dinner late and woke up at 2:30 am.

October 22rd Friday

Girivalam
We started our girivalam after main gopuram darshan at 3:40 am and after 3 breaks (at Kubera linga, breakfast, coffee) we reached the hotel again after 8 am. We put our slippers there and went for darshan. I wish, I could have at least a 15-30 mins peaceful darshan in the sanctum sanctorum some time. We came out, got refreshed in Swathi Sri, boarded a bus to Salem. Wikimapia showed us various routes to reach Aliyar Temple of Consciousness and we decided the board the bus that started first.

Thiruvannamalai to Salem
Never realized Yercaud was on the way. It was picturesque. Really beautiful. Hazy grey blue mountains on both sides, green fields, gentle breeze, mild sunshine, with pitter patter of drizzle, it was a pleasant journey. We reached Erode from Salem and boarded a bus to Pollachi from Erode. It was after 9 when we reached Arivu Thirukoil. We booked the beds instead of room. I tried to remain awake for Sharad poornima, but I ended up sleeping.

October 23rd Saturday

Aliyar – Azhagu Azhagu
I woke up at 5:30 am, took bath, wore a dark green garden saree and came to the Mani mandapam for the 6 am meditation, but I missed it, by few minutes and the gates were locked. It was good in a way, I was wonderstruck with the beauty of the hillock partially hidden by mist and clouds, with the rising sun with its orange red hues pervading the eastern sky. The women in our dorm were on a 3 day Vazhndhu Kaattuvom Program, sent by the state government. The instructor met us on the way and asked us to join and we ended up going for early morning exercise. He said, if we are interested, we could enroll and after a few formalities, we were formally enrolled in the program. Luckily for breakfast we had wheat gruel, so I could eat.

Monkey Falls and Dam
A Swaraj Mazda was arranged for us, by the office and we reached Monkey Falls, and enjoyed the scenary. The gentle downpour and constant roar of waterfalls was energizing. Wish, I were born a guy, I could have taken bath and got thoroughly soaked in the pristine pure water. 2 govt employee guys were taking my snap without my permission near the falls and in the class session. We returned for our 3:40 pm session, where we were taught Kaya Kalpa.

In 2008, my school mate who had rahu in his 7th house had taught me this, after I insisted so much. I wanted to learn the whole set of exercises then, but only now, I got the chance. Now I really realized the truth that I should never learn anything for free and that I should learn good things from able gurus with proper explanation. I missed practicing it for 2 years, now that am certified, I know the benefits and am enthused to do it daily. After Baba Ramdev’s Patanjali yoga, institute GS’ surya namaskars and yet another different set of yogas, pranic healing and vipassana, now this is a new method, kind of same, yet quite different. My only confusion is that in pranic healing, I was asked to remove my pushparagam and meditate (because it will cause energy imbalance) while here, my instructor, says it is alright.

October 24th Sunday
We woke up at 5:15, and I missed my 6 am meditation again, because I wanted to have tea, and I ended up going to Omkara Mandapam. I had missed packing my kurta, and was embarrassed to meditate and exercise in my long dark scarlet red skirt and tight T-shirt. Wish I had got my white kurta. After seeing the museum, Vethathri Mahrishi’s room upstairs, we finished all components of the 3 day course, got our certificates and started from ashram after 2 pm. The instructor and one coimbatore lady volunteer adopted me as their daughter and I was overwhelmed with their kindness and kisses on my forehead and blessings.

Pollachi-Palani-Trichy
We reached Palani around 5 pm, and decided to go to Dandayuthapani Swamy temple as well. We took the train kind of thing while going up, had a darshan of Raja alankar Murugan and took the rope car back. Wish I had more time, though we could sit down for special darshan, it was again only for few minutes. I had rava dosa in saravana bhavan and we reached home at 3 am.

I missed 3 vocal classes, got so much to catch up now. Lost my mobile charger in Thiruvannamalai and my mobile is down without charge.

Atlas Shrugged

I had read this book years before, but now I was forced to read it again for an essay competition. Ayn Rand is too rajasic for me. Yes, most of what she says makes sense. But to generalize all Indian sadhus as mystic mucks is a bit antagonizing. Am wondering what she would say, to the current organizations, which in addition to making profit (skinning of customers as she would say) have CSR to shoulder, with climate change, sustainability, inclusive growth and green production. The money speech of Francisco d’Anconia made absolute sense. The following of some of the lines that caught my attention in this hurried second reading.

"What you think you think is an illusion created by your glands, your emotions and, in the last analysis, by the content of your stomach."

"That gray matter you're so proud of is like a mirror in an amusement park which transmits to you nothing but distorted signals from a reality forever beyond your grasp."

"The more certain you feel of your rational conclusions, the more certain you are to be wrong. Your brain being an instrument of distortion, the more active the brain the greater the distortion."

"The giants of the intellect, whom you admire so much, once taught you that the earth was flat and that fallacies, not of achievements."

"The more we know, the more we learn that we know nothing."

"Only the crassest ignoramus can still hold to the old-fashioned notion that seeing is believing. That which you see is the first thing to disbelieve."

"A scientist knows that a stone is not a stone at all. It is, in fact, identical with a feather pillow. Both are only a cloud formation of the same invisible, whirling particles. But, you say, you can't use a stone for a pillow? Well, that merely proves your helplessness in the face of actual reality."

"You see, Dr. Stadler, people don't want to think. And the deeper they get into trouble, the less they want to think. But by some sort of instinct, they feel that they ought to and it makes them feel guilty. So they'll bless and follow anyone who gives them a justification for not thinking. Anyone who makes a virtue—a highly intellectual virtue—out of what they know to be their sin, their weakness and their guilt."

Of what account are praise and adulation from men whom you don't respect? Have you ever felt the longing for someone you could admire? For something, not to look down at, but up to?"

"I've never despised luxury," he said, "yet I've always despised those who enjoyed it. I looked at what they called their pleasures and it seemed so miserably senseless to me—after what I felt at the mills.

"Are you saying," he asked slowly, "that I rose in your estimation when you found that I wanted you?"
"Of course."
"That's not the reaction of most people to being wanted."
"It isn't."
"Most people feel that they rise in their own eyes, if others want them.".

I'm Mrs. Taggart. I'm the woman in this family now."
"That's quite all right," said Dagny. "I'm the man.”
"We are at the dawn of a new age," said James Taggart, from above the rim of his champagne glass.
"We are breaking up the vicious tyranny of economic power. We will set men free of the rule of the dollar. We will release our spiritual aims from dependence on the owners of material means. We will liberate our culture from the stranglehold of the profit-chasers. We will build a society dedicated to higher ideals, and we will replace the aristocracy of money by—the aristocracy of pull

Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire
philosophy of life.
Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself.
You're the man who's spent his life shaping matter to the purpose of his mind. You're the man who would know that just as an idea unexpressed in physical
action is contemptible hypocrisy, so is platonic love—and just as physical action unguided by an idea is a fool's self-fraud, so is sex when cut off from one's code of values.

Now you're willing to do it at the price of accepting the position of a criminal and
the risk of being thrown in jail at any moment—for the sake of keeping in existence a system which can be kept going only by its victims, only by the breaking of its own laws." Reminded me of the court scene in the movie Guru.


So he waited, holding his love in the place of the hope which he had no right to hold.
From then on, people helped Wesley Mouch to advance, for the same reason
as that which had prompted Uncle Julius: they were people who believed that mediocrity was safe.

"I know that everything is relative and that nobody can know anything and that reason is an illusion and that there isn't any reality.

"Mountains . . ." said Gilbert Keith-Worthing, with satisfaction.
"It is a spectacle of this kind that makes one feel the insignificance of man.' What is this presumptuous little bit of rail, which crude materialists are so proud of building—compared to that eternal grandeur? No more than the basting thread of a seamstress on the hem of the garment of nature. If a single one of those granite giants chose to crumble, it would annihilate this train."

Then she understood that what she needed was the motion to a purpose, no
matter how small or in what form, the sense of an activity going step by step to some chosen end across a span of time

But the looters—by their own stated theory—are in desperate, permanent, congenital need and at the blind mercy of matter Eddie?—we're on a dead planet, like
the moon, where we must move, but dare not stop for a breath of feeling or we'll discover that there is no air to breathe.

the belief that disasters are one's natural fate, to be borne, not fought. I can't accept submission. I can't accept helplessness. I can't accept renunciation. So long as there's a railroad left to run, I'll run it."

we were taught that some things belong to God and others to Caesar. Perhaps their God would permit it. But the man you say we're serving—he docs not permit it. He permits no divided allegiance, no war between your mind and your body, no gulf between your values and your actions, no tributes to Caesar. He permits no Caesars."
To me, she was not a person and not . . .not a woman. She was the railroad. And I didn't think that anyone would ever have the audacity to look at her in any other way.

"Any man who's afraid of hiring the best ability he can find, is a cheat who's in a business where he doesn't belong. To me—the foulest man on earth, more contemptible than a criminal, is the employer who rejects men for being too good. That's what I've always thought and—say, what are you laughing at?"

. . . There is reason, she thought, why a woman would wish to cook for a man . . . oh, not as a duty, not as a chronic career, only as a rare and special rite in symbol of . . . but what have they made of it, the preachers of woman's duty? . . . The castrated performance of a sickening drudgery was held to be a woman's proper virtue—while that which gave it meaning and sanction was held as a shameful sin . . . the work of dealing with grease, steam and slimy peelings in a reeking kitchen was held to be a spiritual matter, an act of compliance with her moral duty—while the meeting of two bodies in a bedroom was held to be a physical indulgence, an act of surrender to an animal instinct, with no glory, meaning or pride of spirit to be claimed by the animals involved.

Only if some one is there, i cook elaborate meals, experimenting with various recipes from internet. Left to myself, am too lazy to cook most of the days, and even if i do, i end up eating green things, horse gram, mostly fruits for dinner and veggies, noodles and things that can be cooked in less than 5 minutes.
Just yes'day i had to listen to a 3 hour crib session over phone of yet another husband who was complaining about his wife, who never cooked food for him in time. So much hoopla over food.


"I did love you once," she said dully, "but it wasn't what you wanted. I loved you for your courage, your ambition, your ability. But it wasn't real, any of it."

"You fear the man who has a dollar less than you, that dollar is rightfully his, he makes you feel like a moral defrauder. You hate the man who has a dollar more than you, that dollar is rightfully yours, he makes you feel that you are morally defrauded. The man below is a source of your guilt, the man above is a source of your frustration. You do not know what to surrender or demand, when to give and when to grab, what pleasure in life is rightfully yours and what debt is still unpaid to others—you struggle to evade, as 'theory,' the knowledge that by the moral standard you've accepted you are guilty every moment of your life, there is no mouthful of food you swallow that is not needed by someone somewhere on earth—and you give up the problem in blind resentment, you conclude that moral perfection is not to
be achieved or desired, that you will muddle through by snatching as snatch can and by avoiding the eyes of the young, of those who look at you as if self-esteem were possible and they expected you to have it. Guilt is all that you retain within your soul—and so does every other man, as he goes past, avoiding your eyes. Do you wonder why your morality has not achieved brotherhood on earth or the good will of man
to man?

Random females with causeless incomes flitter on trips around the globe and return to deliver the message that the backward peoples of the world demand a higher standard of living.

What permits any insolent beggar to wave his sores in the face of his betters and to plead for help in the tone of a threat?

Pattambi - Kottakal

Pattambi was familiar surname for me till 2010. Then I happened to meet K after almost 10 years and he asked me to go for Kottakal ayurvedic treatment, that too on a shasti. I missed 4 shastis after that and finally decided to go on 29th. I really do not know till now, why K mentioned, book a train till Pattambi. He even gave the address of one of the lodges - Rajadhani, just near the railway station. So I did not heed anyone’s words when they said, that I need to alight at Tirur, and not Pattambi to go to Kottakal. I had even mailed Kottakal and even when had replied that the nearest station was Tirur, I adamantly thought, probably K was referring to a Kottakal Ayurveda Sala in Pattambi and that is where I need to go and not Kottakal.

The train was at 4:45 am, so we boarded the 2:45 am bus from home and reached the station 1 hour ahead of scheduled departure. I was so hungry around 5 am that I bought Britannia chocolate cake to munch at that hour. Mom and I promptly collapsed on our LBs once the train started moving and just as we were in deep slumber we found a family with 2 boisterous kids in our compartment. Man, they never let us sleep even for a second, and we were exhausted after a sleepless night since Tuesday.

Train Journey

Once we crossed Coimbatore, man it was sheer peace. There was a stretch of grey blue mountains and an awesome view of meadows. It was all greenery everywhere, with gay little flowers, odd peacocks and peahens, a small rivulet here and there, lush green paddy fields, a rush of plantain gardens, rows of coconut trees, it was so ecstatically beautiful, everywhere one looked.

Mangalore express stopped at most stations for 30 minutes to 1 hour, which seemed to be an interminable wait, especially the 1 hour wait in Palakkad. We alighted at Pattambi close to 3 pm and after couple of phone calls, discovered that K did not mean Pattambi.

Pattambi-Valanchery-Kottakal

We boarded a bus to Valanchery. It was a little more than a 1 hour drive, a picturesque one nevertheless. Everywhere we saw burqa clad pretty faces, so fresh and nubile. We had no problems finding the bus, since everyone there was very helpful and the conductors were crying the names of the destinations aloud. From Valanchery, we boarded another bus to Kottakal which took less than 1 hour.
Our conductor was over helpful and he made us get down at the charity hospital instead of our intended place. So we had to take an auto to go to AVS square. Things got over there in a jiffy. I took bath there and we started our long trip back home.

Kottakal-Palakkad-Salem-Trichy

Just nearby AVS, we had Changuvatty busstop. We boarded a bus to Mallapuram sub bus depot. We were famished, but I wanted to eat full meals with kerala boiled rice. However, obviously that was not to be available. So I ended up buying veg samosa and masala parrupu vadai from a bakery which was a blunder mistake, for it made mom sick.

We reached Palakkad in the darkness in 2-3 hours. And another bus to Salem, which we reached around 2:30 am. Buses to Trichy were frequent from Salem and we reached Trichy around 6 am and we were back home little after 7 am.

The lush green paddy fields, picturesque scenery everywhere, the nubile muslim girls with their heads covered, the charming disarray of cluttered, shining shops full of knickknacks, the winding roads, hills to border those roads, with gorgeous valleys and streams and bridges, man Kerala is God’s own country indeed.

Things I miss in IIMB

1. Verdant sylvan ambience
2. Dozens of parrots shrieking early morning in BEFG squre
3. Yellow flowers in full bloom in February in L square
4. Lush green grass carpet by the KL blocks
5. 6 pm MDC yoga classes
6. Shyamal Roy sir’s lectures
7. 2:30 am swinging in the childrens park, amidst heavy rain and thunder
8. Countless walks with numerous great people at all times
9. Viewing Madiwala lake from the water tank top
10. Seeing the parrots sitting on the sunflower and pecking its seeds
11. Reading novels with brown doggy Socks in OAT amidst greenery and flowers
12. Listening to and being with Hazra sir’s parents
13. Being with the small kid Shubha and listening to her stories
14. My very own first tulsi pot
15. Friends and lovely girls in shorts flashing all around; tremendous energy of fellow students
16. Doing pranayam early morning on B terrace with the refreshing fragrance of Panneer Maram/Akash Mallige/Neem Chameli
17. Watching the early morning sunrise from KL terrace
18. Hostel food and fruits most of the times
19. The library along the divine statue of Saraswathi by the steps

Kolli Hills

It was in the road of Old Mahabalipuram road/ECR Prathiyankara Devi temple, that the poojari used to talk a lot about kula deivam. I used to wonder who was our Kula deivam and learnt it was in Kolli Hills. That was in 2006. From then onwards I had been clamoring to go to Kolli Hills and I got the chance at last only this Sunday. This Sunday was off for mom and she was working other Sundays. So this was the day I had to catch.

I had kept the alarm at 1:45 to board the 2:30 am early morning bus, but could not get out of bed despite waking up. When I kept the alarm for my swimming timings at 4:15, I realized I had forgot to save the alarm, so I woke up lazily at 9:30 am. We boarded the 11:30 bus to Namakkal and boarded the last 2:15 bus to Kolli Hills that took the roundabout route. Am glad it took that route.

70 Hairpin bends
We had our packed idlies and groundnut chutney in the bus, at the base of the Hill, where the bus stopped for 30 minutes. Then started the fairy tale trip. It was simply fantabulous. It was full of lush greenery. There were huge bamboo trees on either sides. So many small monkeys.

In between there was a meat feast going on at a roadside temple where a small rivulet was flowing melodiously. There were guys standing in groups here and there with liquour in their hands on the way. There was one family having its lunch outside the parked car sitting on the small stone walls. Surpassing all that was the breathtaking scenery around 4:30 – 5:00 pm. Sun was making its descent and the dwadashi moon was peeping on one side. There were hazy grey blue hills in the background and in the valley lush fresh green paddy fields with a small stream of water flowing in between the fields. Plantain trees were planted along the border of those paddy fields. That was simply amazing. That image is still so fresh in my inner eye. The sheer exquisite beauty of nature was simple breathtaking. All this with a fresh soothing breeze made it an awesome experience.

Arabaleeshwar Temple
It was small cute, neat temple that had the main deity along with Aram valartha naayagi sanniddhi. Had a peaceful darshan and we returned by the same bus, we took. It was close to 3:00 am when we reached back home. Next time, we will hire some cab and visit the 2 falls as well.

Tiruchendur Again

Train Saga
This time, I had booked train tickets a fortnight in advance. The train was at 1:30 am. So we boarded the last bus at 10:30. The bus did not go to junction, so we alighted at head post office and walked along the straight road till junction, thinking it would reduce the waiting time. It was just a little after 11. We walked and reached the station and found the train was in platform 4. I did not want to use the subway, I thought, I would use the way that the railway electric vehicles use and we walked till the very end of the platform without finding the path, till we reached the overbridge and found that we had come to platform 3 instead of 4. We took 30 mins for this walk, so finally, we had to use the subway. We slept for an hour and till 1:30, Pearl City express did not come, instead there was some kerala bound train in the same platform. After couple of frantic enquires, at last the train came and we clambered onto the train. In the morning, mom showed her swollen right hand, due to mosquitos at night.

It was 7:30 when we reached Tuticorin station. From there we boarded an auto for 40 bucks and we reached the new busstand and thereafter we took another bus to Thiruchendur. In the bus, an old lady boarded the bus after few stops along with a mentally challenged lady dressed in pavadai chatta. She kept on blabbering thanga thangam, she took the saliva from her mouth and kept on applying it to her face. We felt so bad, that I had to close my eyes in prayer.

Temple and Sea
We reached the temple, amidst the familiar sound of roaring waves, after refreshing, in a lodge, it was close to 10, when we reached the sea for a dip. The waves were tumultuous, very strong, not like the Arabian sea, where I could wade deep enough and swim gleefully. So here I sat down and played in the waves, my kurti suffered a tear near my left shoulder as the pinned dupatta struggled with the waves. The waves turned me a whole 180 degrees. The water was cool in spite of 10 am sun. We spent 1 hour in the beach and returned to the hotel, took bath, had food (this time too oops!) and went for darshan around 2 pm. Mom decided to leave the footwear in the lodge itself. It was the most insane thing to do in the 2 pm scorching sun. I was crying due to the burning sensation in my soles and started throwing tantrums by the time I reached the temple entrance shade. To my surprise, small small children were walking around barefoot unmindful of the hot sun.

It was a peaceful darshan, and while mom and A went for buying panchamrutham and other stuff, I sat and after a while, lay down on a stone bench watching the waves. I could see the winds along with the waves as they formed, rose, spread into a straight line, before merging into the turquoise blue sea with a roar. One wave rose, joined several others and it all stretched together into a straight, neat white wave stretching more than 10 metres just for few seconds, before breaking up and dissolving again.

People were taking snaps through the camera guys, by the sea, the print was kind of ok. Some had got married in the temple. Kids in colourful dresses were playing by. While returning, one kid took A for his mother and started following her and we had to send the kid back to his parents.

Valli Guhai
Last time, we had missed this cave. This time, again walking from the main temple till valli guhai entrance in the scorching sun was unbearable. But soon, we got into soothing shade. This side, the sea beach was peppered with black mossy rocks and the waves seemed less ferocious compared to the temple front. After getting the entrance ticket, we went inside crawling to see the devi. It was such a small cramped space with no ventilation. But it seemed adventurous. The porous walls surrounding the Valli Guhai had so many holes, where I could insert my finger and see it come out through the other end.

Back in the lodge
We came back and collapsed for a while. KTV was showing Mounam Pesiyadhe, which I watched in a half drowsy state. Suddenly it was 5:30 and the train in Tuticorin was at 7:30 (so I thought, it was actually at 7:45). My legs started aching suddenly. I had ordered coffee and cauliflower pakoda, which took some time in getting prepared. So mom and A were kind of furious. We reached the old busstand at 7:15 pm. And we had just 15 mins to board the train. We had no time to pack dinner. We took an auto and reached the station just before 7:30 and found the train ready to move.
We slept for a while, while our fellow compartment mates started having their dinner. Only at Sathur, a mallu guy gave us 2 chappathis for 20 bucks, we got 3 parcels and after munching, we collapsed blissfully till 1:25. Akka woke me up just when the train stopped and we dragged our sleepy feet to the busstand. Within 20 minutes the night service bus came and it was 3 am when I collapsed on the bed.

After a few days, I washed my white pants and dried them, and while I flipped it before folding, lots of shells and sand splashed all over. So much of sea sand was still trapped in the pant folds even after 2 washings. This time, unlike the previous time, Thiruchendur trip was less strenuous and the darshan without crowd was peaceful.

1984

George Orwell was born in Bengal during the British reign over India. It is intriguing as to what made him imagine such a dystopian world. Minitrue, miniplenty, minipax, miniluv – nice names for the 4 ministries.

Here goes couple of lines that interested me.
It is deliberate policy to keep even the favoured groups somewhere near the brink of hardship, because a general state of scarcity increases the importance of small privileges and thus magnifies the distinction between one group and another.

The best books, he perceived, are those that tell you what you know already

The aim of the High is to remain where they are. The aim of the Middle is to change places with the High. The aim of the Low, when they have an aim -- for it is an abiding characteristic of the Low that they are too much crushed by drudgery to be more than intermittently conscious of anything outside their daily lives -- is to abolish all distinctions and create a society in which all men shall be equal. Thus throughout history a struggle which is the same in its main outlines recurs over and over again.

Even today, in a period of decline, the average human being is physically better off than he was a few centuries ago. But no advance in wealth, no softening of manners, no reform or revolution has ever brought human equality a millimetre nearer. From the point of view of the Low, no historic change has ever meant much more than a change in the name of their masters. history as a cyclical process and
claimed to show that inequality was the unalterable law of human life.

Wealth and privilege are most easily defended when they are possessed jointly.
Even the names of the four Ministries by which we are governed exhibit a sort of impudence in their deliberate reversal of the facts. The Ministry of Peace concerns itself with war, the Ministry of Truth with lies, the Ministry of Love with torture and the Ministry of Plenty with starvation. These contradictions are not accidental, nor do they result from ordinary hypocrisy; they are deliberate exercises in doublethink. “‘Who controls the past controls the future: who controls the present controls the past,’

A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute

Noel Stachan the trustee starts this story of the modification of a will, inserting clauses.

When I was reading about the Three Pagoda’s pass as Dr. Ferris recollected after mentioning Donald Paget’s death, I wanted to go there as well. Again I was wondering, these were the British who ruled over India and Malaysia.
“she liked to have something to look at while her ears were assailed.” Amused me.

If I had all the worlds money what would I do? I would sit and read the novels, I want to. I would go traveling all over the world. I will cook and take care of mom. I will learn astrology properly. I will sit and meditate and join some ashram. I will teach in a village school and live in a simple village eating fresh farm produce. Rearing gardens with beautiful flowers. Now Jean Paget wants to go to Malay and dig a well. Am curious why?

Should know about the history of lifebuoy soap. Am surprised it was there from war times.

Good lord, the Nips crucified Joe Harman for stealing 5 black cockerels.

Kuala Telang and the place filled with casuarinas trees reminded me of the Schneider party we had at the Casaurina place in ECR. It was the first time I had a sip of Champagne the Schneider guy had got for the whole team. Someone took a snap of me drinking Champagne and threatened to send it to my parents then.
Kota Bahru reminded me of Pudukottai which means the same in Tamil.

Dulce ridentem lalagen amabo, Dulce loquentem. What does this mean? Okie found it
will love (my) sweetly laughing, sweetly chatting Lalage...

Joe Harman traveling half across the world to see Miss Paget reminded me of the tamil movie where Surya goes to US for the Reddy girl, believe it was Athavan.

Jean inspired in me to start something of my own. Reminded me of Nayana. Page turner it was. The title made sense after all. Everything that goes comes around, be it the gold of Hall’s creek or words or deeds. As they said in Vipasanna, everything comes back to you in thousand folds, because of the seed you sow.

Rainy Saturday Morning

I don’t like my mom wasting her time waking me up with her entreaties, so I always ask her to pour a tumbler of water on my face, if she wants me to wake up and she did it this morning around 7 and I found it was raining slightly and steadily. From my window I can see three neem trees and the sky beyond which was whitish grey. I just lay on the bed gazing at the verdant green neem leaves now shivering, now shaking, now bending with occasional big drops. I saw the various hues of green neem leaves, some dark, some budding and tender brown, all afresh like a newly bathed child.

Through the other side of the bedroom window, I could see 2 big coconut trees, 3 banana saplings, which has started growing its leaves. To look at the green banana leaves bathed in the rain was so delightful. There is a small white tree, with dark green leaves with such delicate sweetly smelling white flowers. Some of them have fallen on the ground, with no one to pluck them and the white strewn carpet of flowers on the dark wet earth is so refreshing.

There are mango trees as well which are so fresh in this rain. The tender mango ochre green leaves, light green leaves and dark green leaves are all standing like a fresh maiden waiting her for heavenly blessings of rain drops, cleansing her and nourishing her.

The squirrels are no longer screaming as they usually do at this time. Some crows are cawing, there is the sound of some other birds, chirping by. It is now drizzling the whole night, now reduced to a drizzle. Occasionally there is sound of the bird that calls us all to wake up around 4:30 am. My alarm for starting to cook lunch for mom has sounded, but am too lazy to move my limbs, wish I could just stare at the neem leaves from the front and the mango leaves and other trees behind me, lying on the bed.

Isha Yoga in Coimbatore

PVS is my class mate and we go for practicing yoga together from KL block to MDC yoga center. He is a Piscean and Kanya Hastham and so he is my favourite confidant and we talk something or the other as we walk towards MDC and while returning.

He had been telling about his engagement and now he announced his wedding in Gobi and he said that I could book tickets either till Coimbatore or Erode and the distance was almost the same to Gobi. So I decided, I will go to Isha Yoga Center which my dad had mentioned years earlier. My another PGPPM friend also mentioned how there was a mercury linga submerged in water, and mercury could solidify only at extremely low temperatures and how refreshing a dip in that holy water was. So I was all enthusiastic about going to Isha yoga and reconnoitering the place.

Kovai

So around 19th of March, I had my tickets booked for the night journey from Bangalore. It was pleasant to be able to speak in Tamil to enquire about where to board the bus for Isha Yoga center after stuttering and mixing all tamil, broken kannada and hindi in Bangalore while asking for directions. The railway guards said, cross the road and there is a busstop from where the buses go directly to Isha and lo it was. I had to drag my trolley for quite some time till I reached the busstop, I had just missed one bus to isha and sat waiting for the next one while observing the mallu couple next to me on my right and a mother and son on my left. At last the bus came and I boarded the bus. After 1 hour or so, and going through dry katcha roads, I reached Isha Yoga.

Isha Yoga Center

There was a huge Nandi statue in front and the whole style of the center had a playfulness about it. It was clean, there was a volunteer to guide me through the temple. There were beautiful flowers strewn here and there along the path. I did not want to visit the Devi shrine without bathing, so I first had bath and retraced my path to the Devi shrine where even how to prostrate was carved on the ground. After that was the sacred holy dip that this PGPPM student had mentioned. I felt as if was nearing a waterfalls. Water was steadily pouring from a copper wall at a height. There were separate lady timings and gents timings to take a holy dip for 30 minutes. After descending down through the steps and reaching the water, I slowly dipped my leg in and found is so cold. Gradually I got used to it and went up to the linga and saw how others were praying. There was a middle aged athletic foreigner who placed both her palms on the linga and was praying. I too did the same and after couple of pradakshinas, waded through the water, I reached till the copper wall and came back. There was sunlight there and the effect it made on the water made it glow like emerald sparkling away its way to glory.

After the holy dip, I escorted other ladies to the linga who were afraid of the chest water, one lady surprised me by doing a namaskaram after I escorted her back to the steps. All this in silence, since there were clapping volunteers.

Meditation Cave

After changing to into fresh dry clothes, I went to the meditation temple where there was a huge linga as I had seen in internet and other mailers. We were all led in groups inside the dome. The flowers were arranged beautifully and lamps were lit delightfully. The flames danced to some tune known amongst themselves and it was a gleeful sight to watch. I sat on a chair in silence trying to meditate. I also sat for the next round which was the last before lunch break. There was nubile Caucasian dressed in white who sang languorously without words, a soulful tune with occasional shiva namas uttered in between. On four sides of the linga, sat 4 young musical players who rolled an instrument that made a heavenly sound, and thus we sat enraptured while they played that music. After 15 minutes were over, a volunteer lady rang a bell and we all got up to move out.

Finally once outside the temple, I had my curd rice, and within 10 minutes, a bus to Gandhinagar busstand came and I boarded it and reached Gobi for PVS’s reception in the evening.

Inner Path and Ramana Ashram

I was just back from a girivalam and was waiting for a darshan, that I met my prof on the way. He made me walk with him when I was already so tired, but I was glad when he told me about mailing Ramana Ashram and staying there. He told me about Virupaksha cave and Skandaashram and I could not wait to mail Ramana Ashram. The next day I got a reply stating that I could stay for 2-3 days in the ashram around Mar 24th.

After a friend’s wedding in Gobichettipalayam, I booked tickets to Thiruvannamalai from Gobi and reached there at 3:30 am. I rested outside the temple in the corridor till 5 am till the doctor came and I got my keys and slept off for quite some time.

Ramana Ashram

There were beautiful peacocks screeching at times. My room was neat and tidy with Gandhian furnishings - a wooden table, chair, a cot with mattress. There were lots of foreigners around, some of whom spoke tamil like a native. It was peaceful there.

The ashram offered healthy food. There were 2 meditation halls. I tried meditating, but I could not. Boys were reciting Vedas in the morning and evening. It was fun to watch them. It was abuzz with a timetabled activity going on all the time. I decided I will go to Skandashram and Virupaksha cave that evening when it was less scorching.

Skandashram

It was written in the room that girls should not venture alone either for inner path or Skandashram. But I was determined to go alone and make friends with someone on the way. I started after 4 pm after having milk and once I reached the gate, I found a couple kind of intimate. So I decided not to approach them and I started walking alone up to Skandashram. It was rocky and it was very hot even after 4 pm that I was perspiring. Just when I needed a hand, a soul appeared who agreed to be my escort. We walked silently and I just followed him. After asking for few directions and 1.5 hours later, we arrived at Skandashram which was nothing I like imagined. It was like a normal house, from where I could see the thiruvannamalai temple. We went inside prayed, sat for a while, clicked snaps of each other and tried to Virupaksha cave which the gurukal said would be closed by 5 pm. We decided to try our luck nevertheless.

Virupaksha Cave

As the gurukal said, the cave was closed by the time we reached there. So I returned disappointed. We took the steps down from virupaksha cave. I figured out that this gentle soul was working in Malaysia and he escorted me till Ashram where we exchanged email ids so that he would send me my snaps. The next day, I left early without having the 4 pm snacks and climbed up the steps walking through the city road instead of ascending upto Skandashram and again descending to Virupaksha cave.

I reached there and it was cool up there amidst the trees and flowers blossoming here and there. I went inside and found a lone foreigner sitting there like a white ghost. I sat on the other side inside the cave and closed my eyes. I could hear the horns of buses from that height. It was peaceful. I was the last come out and the gurukal was closing the gates. I found 3 beggar ladies, but I had only 10 rs with me which I wanted to put in Thiruvannamalai hundi. I remember a thirukural which says to beg is bad, but to refuse a beggar is worser. My climbing the day before had hurt my legs badly that my plated right knee was buckling and I needed support and sat at the entrance thinking how to take another step. The beggar lady somehow intuitively understood this and gave me her hand and from then on, gurukal came and he gave his hand till the place where it was relatively plain where I could walk without support.

I thanked him and we parted ways. I reached the temple, had a peaceful darshan and went out and reached ashram and had a blissful sleep.

Inner Path

I wanted to take the inner path and do my girivalam as well. It was not pournami, so I could have had any companions. Luckily my anna and his father came from Bangalore and took the inner path. Twice we strayed from the actual path and Ramana rishi guided us by sending some saffron robed guy who quickly walked in front of us and disappeared showing us the right path.

We saw a turquoise green rectangular lake on the way where a foreigner was taking bath. For me to step in the water seemed so full of hidden creatures. We reached a place where I saw a adi pump. There again we strayed, we retraced and came back had some water from the pump, and a banana each and walked further.

We reached another well, walked around talking about things in general. The twilight was so refreshing and gradually it was getting dark. I was telling my anna, the story the lame gurukal had told me in the temple the day before about ThiruNeelakanda Shastrigal burning his eyes with camphor and regaining his eyesight by reciting a shlokha.

I was jokingly telling anna, that this hill was full of Siddhars who would be sitting and meditating in caves. We decided after it was completely dark to take the road and we just reached the road, when we found a saffron robed guy meditating in front of us in a small enclosure with his back to the road, that gave me fright because of the unexpected suddenness.

Finally, we walked reached the ashram, took bath, packed bags and reached Bangalore comfortably by the night bus. The day after was convocation.

Heidi by Johanna Spyri

I had a charming massively chubby svelte Mallu senior who called herself Heidi. A scorpio I believe. She has escaped miraculously without a scratch a bus accident where the bus she was sitting in overturned into a valley. I started reading this BBC collection ebook thanks to her nickname. After Les Miserables and War and Peace this seems lighter. Let me see.

Oh, this is the very same novel, I have seen as a hindi movie. Cute story indeed. Alluring by its simplicity and innocence and pristine purity. Reminds me of the only German exchange student who used to study with me for quizzes, who laughed for everything in term IV.

Why this book just flew by in matter of hours. Nice charming story. All is well that ends well. Simply divine, simple and divine. For simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.

War and Peace

My childhood days saw Mishkas, and my prize books were Russian folk tales, tales of prince and princess and czars, thanks to the friendship between Nehru and Soviet Union and mom being a central government employee and me studying in Kendriya Vidyalaya. My sister and I tried so many times to get this czar/tsar pronunciation clumsily back then. I distinctly remember the collection of short stories on the friendship between wolf and man, Siberia tiger and a child, a tiger that ate sausages every time. I remember reading Anna Karenina, but that was a looooooong time ago. So with nothing else left to do, am just reading BBC’s top 100 novels, some of which, I have already read. I started with the bottom and War and Peace came up. It was absolutely unintentional that I picked this up just after reading Les Misérables.

Princess Mary Bolkonski’s character was the first to impress me, for it distinctly reminded me a girl in college. She had the same attitude of attributing everything to god. German, French and English peppered throughout this book initially made me wonder about polyglots in India who know minimum 4 languages.

As the war progressed between Russia and France, 150 thousand French men and 40 K Russian (Kutuzov’s) men, I was thinking, why that is the size of a software company. Hiroshima. Nagasaki. One man at the top playing with the lives of so many people made me painfully aware of the cruelties of a war. Cheiro mentions that the palm lines of 2 soldiers were not there just 2 days before they died in the war. I have been trying in vain to see the palm lines of corpses to confirm this.
With the war in the background, Mary sees Prince Vasili’s son’s blatant behavior with her friend Bourienne and still deals with her in her own pristine way.
“Said Prince Andrew; ‘ on the contrary one must try to make one’s life as pleasant as possible. I am alive, that is not my fault, so I must live out my life as best as I can without hurting others”


Then again came the scene where Natasha begs Nicholas to take her for hunting. This immediately brought in images of a young girl whom I had interviewed. She had cat eyes. She had this way of looking outside while talking anything. She described driving big racing cars was her passion and I was wondering how, until my partner asked if it was because of her elder brother.

“Natasha had too much of something and because of this she would not be happy… “ and the story’s twist to make her so made me sad as well. Tolstoy’s ploy of not giving everything to everyone. The generous Rostovs were lacking in riches. The Bezukovs in morality. The Bolonski’s in happiness and moderation of temper. Julia let Boris marry her because of flattery and Boris married her for her fortune. How very true as always.

“…because only Germans are self-confident on the basis of an abstract notion-science, that is, the supposed knowledge of the absolute truth. A Frenchman is self-assured because he regards himself personally, both in mind and body, as irresistibly attractive to men and women. An Englishman is self-assured, as being a citizen of the best-organized state in the world, and therefore as an Englishman always knows what he should do and knows that all he does as an Englishman is undoubtedly correct. An Italian is self-assured because he is excitable and easily forgets himself and other people. A Russian is self-assured just because he knows nothing does not want to know anything since he does not believe that anything can be known. “


I still remember my 7th standard history half early examination. It was scheduled in the afternoon session and I was leafing through the history text book pages in the last minute and out of exasperation of not being able to remember the dates and events, I threw the book towards the door around noon, a fact I sincerely regret now. During childhood history bored me because of the teachers, now history rather the lives of people in history interests me the most. In vain, am trying to find that of Indira Gandhi after reading Dom Moraes’, hope someone lends me Aandhi some day.

Slaughter of 80k men at Borodino…as I read this, I was shocked, rather I should not be any longer. I wonder, how people managed to bomb Japan even after this, persecute jews even after this. None of Napolean’s orders were executed Tolstoy says, common will… well…hmmm.

Hugo had a nice way of describing to the minutest detail possible, setting things up to a climax and resolving thereafter, (that was not precisely history, but fiction). And Tolstoy like me, put the end results first and there after went on explaining about Napolean’s cold and all trivia, at times rather mostly sarcastically.
Why on earth do they call Peter Kirilovich as Pierre? These Russian names and different forms of their names and pet names and their being addressed by different persons in different ways never ceased to amuse me. Pierre being accepted amongst the soldiers and everyone around him in earlier chapters, reminded me of my brother who is 120 kgs, always smiling, intending no harm to anyone, being the object of somebody’s soft raillery.

When everywhere, there were reports of gruesome death and horrors, I was wondering, how come Tolstoy spared the princes and then came Andrew and Anatole Kuragin’s saga. It is quite sad, that we need such misery and intense pain and torture to experience happiness and boundless love even for the worst of enemies.
The mathematical tinge in Tolstoy’s explanation reminded me of my professor. Tortoise and Achilles problem. Infinite collective force vs. one strong individual will. The laws of History! Is it the actions of the kings and the important men or the path. Latter on it reminded me of the course we had Corporate Strategy and Environment, where our professor would describe Bhopal Gas Tragedy or Nile Perch, and other such issues, point out all issues and say no solution is possible finally satisfying all criteria and constraints.

Guess, Tolstoy likes lilac, Natasha wore a lilac and black dress while going to the church and Count Rostov came out in lilac dressing gown the day of departure from Moscow. Rostovs generosity of letting all their carts for the wounded though seemed chivalrous on one side, seemed so sacrificing too on the other hand. I have all my clothes and things strewn in 3 places, Trichy, Bangalore and Chennai and am at times aching that they are not within reach, when I need them. For Rostovs to leave the packed things for outright looting seemed too magnanimous.

“A town captured by the enemy is like the maid who has lost her honour,” I always wonder, why such honour is never attributed to a guy. Girls like flattery, dolls and flimsy material possessions and guys indulge in girls, taking it all, supplementing with larger material possessions.
“Moscow being empty as a dying queenless hive is empty. …..”
Rostopchin ordering Vereshchagin’s death and later repenting it, mentally preparing to address Kutozov….
Monkey getting trapped with hands grabbing nuts inside a narrow necked jug…thus the French soldiers became marauders and disappeared with their loot.

“love of clodhoppers” for Helene and” love of simpletons” for Natasha vs. L’amour which the Frenchmen worshipped consisted principally in the unnaturalness of the relation to the woman and in a combination of incongruities giving chief charm to the feeling.” Well so much for the French love.

When I read about Moscow burning, I wondered, what victory were the Russians celebrating, when they let Moscow burn, losing their capital for looting that too without fight. Strange victory indeed.

Andrew’s death reminded me of the deaths I had to witness. I could never cry in any of them, later I cried in solitude thinking they were no more, occasionally when thoughts about them came.

“The mining of the Kremlin only helped toward fulfilling Napolean’s wish that is should be blown up when he left Moscow- as a child wants the floor on which he has hurt himself to be beaten.” I started liking Tolstoy’s way of story-telling. Wish he was my grandfather to tell me bed time stories.

I am here resting on a comfortable bed, with proper shelter and eating food which I like and I have inner peace. I go out and see a beggar or some invalid, I feel bad that she has to suffer so at such an old age. Now Pierre finds “peace and inner harmony only through horror of death, through privation, and through what he recognized in Karataev. “ Does man have to experience peace only through privation? Well different things for different people. There is no panacea for inner peace. What might seem the antidote at one time may turn out to be the poison few years down the line. Pierre’s ability to sit still and think without doing anything reminded me of my Vipasanna days. It was tranquil back then.

Pierre being rescued by Dolokov and Denisov, was bound to happen, especially since Tolstoy made Pierre shoot Dolokov in a duel. Irony of fate. Especially since Tolstoy made Andrew and his brother-in-law see each other after being wounded.
“While imprisoned in the shed Pierre had learned not with his intellect but with his whole being, by life itself, that man is created for happiness, that happiness is within him, in the satisfaction of simple human needs, and that all unhappiness arises not from privation but from superfluity.”
“Life is everything. Life is God. Everything changes and moves and that movement is God. And while there is life there is joy in consciousness of the divine. To love life is to love God. Harder and more blessed than all else is to love this life in one’s sufferings, in innocent sufferings.”

“The activity of Alexander or of Napolean cannot be called useful or harmful, for it is impossible to say for what it was useful or harmful. If that activity displeases somebody, this is only because it does not agree with his limited understanding of what is good.”

“It is true that we do not feel the movement of the earth, but by admitting its immobility we arrive at absurdity, while by admitting its motion (which we do not feel) we arrives at laws, ‘ so also in history the new view says: It is true that we are not conscious of our dependence, but by admitting our free will we arrive at absurdity, while by admitting our dependence on the external world, on time, and on cause, we arrive at laws.” Interdependence others would say now.

War and Peace, between nations, between people, between entities eternally happens like waves forever beating against the shores, now resolving, now again arising, and then finally dissolving into the mighty ocean. Hiranyagarbha should I say?

Les Misérables

We had a course called CARTS (creativity in arts and science). The prof circulated 2 handouts from this book which I read and felt I had read the complete book some time earlier. Now as I read this book afresh, everything seems so profound. For instance,

"Man has upon him his flesh, which is at once his burden and his temptation. He drags it with him and yields to it. He must watch it, cheek it, repress it, and obey it only at the last extremity. There may be some fault even in this obedience; but the fault thus committed is venial; it is a fall, but a fall on the knees which may terminate in prayer."

How commensurate is each word for we indeed carry this body based on our own wants and desires. Now I understand why child is the father of the man. All we need to do is watch our thoughts, for they translate into words and deeds, or even simpler, watch our breath and merely observe it.

Now I realize why my sister who is a dentist can do the things (deal with blood and teeth) that i merely say, while she does it. I see the world with rose tinted glasses, seeing only the positive and the beautiful, while she sees it as it is. I left biology because of dissections, to go beyond this flesh and blood for healing the sufferers is something that doctors do and now I respect her even more and all doctors. To be completely aware, without being involved is the greatest mastery of this birth. And so Hugo’s lines as compared to Wilde’s lines (All art is quite useless) in “The Picture of Dorian Gray” makes a distinct impression on me:
The beautiful is as useful as the useful." He added after a pause, "More so, perhaps."

Senator’s lines on it is better to be a tooth than the grass, loud proclamations over existence have such inner meaning as well.

When Jean Valjean aka M. sur M says the following:
“The kindness which consists in upholding a woman of the town against a citizen, the police agent against the mayor, the man who is down against the man who is up in the world, is what I call false kindness. That is the sort of kindness which disorganizes society. Good God! it is very easy to be kind; the difficulty lies in being just.” It again raises the eternal struggle underneath, how different is this external perception for every individual.

“One can no more prevent thought from recurring to an idea than one can the sea from returning to the shore: the sailor calls it the tide; the guilty man calls it remorse; God upheaves the soul as he does the ocean.” I am wondering what beckons people to beaches, why does it sound musical to some and disharmonious to others – these waves.

“That light called history is pitiless; it possesses this peculiar and divine quality, that, pure light as it is, and precisely because it is wholly light, it often casts a shadow in places where people had hitherto beheld rays; from the same man it constructs two different phantoms, and the one attacks the other and executes justice on it, and the shadows of the despot contend with the brilliancy of the leader.”

Why do very few people see the coin as a whole, while others confine only to the brilliance and yet others focus on the darkness? What is that one needs?

And again, the war history is overwhelming and the connection to explain where the post man Joseph drives the post wagon “What is Waterloo? A victory? No. The winning number in the lottery.”

“The peculiar property of truth is never to commit excesses. What need has it of exaggeration? There is that which it is necessary to destroy, and there is that which it is simply necessary to elucidate and examine. What a force is kindly and serious examination! Let us not apply a flame where only a light is required.” How can Librans and Sagittarians learn to apply this to their daily lives?

“To roam thoughtfully about, that is to say, to lounge, is a fine employment of time in the eyes of the philosopher;…. end of the divine murmur, beginning of the human uproar; hence an extraordinary interest.”

Almost every chapter had paragraphs of wisdom and the fact that he was a (Feb 26, 1802) moon scorpio, sun-piscean further intrigued me. When I did a wiki and found his 19 year old daughter dead, another daughter in an insane asylum and sons dead, somehow made me wonder about the fate of the children he had in spite of achieving such greatness in literature. Ok, let me not mix astrology with literature.

His book made me laugh, made me cry, made me go through all emotions. His way of building up a huge background for the players to enact was at times painful to read. At times, it made me wonder about his methodical nature. How assiduous he was in describing each and every detail, right from the wars to the sewers.

Jean Valjean’s life of untold miseries and hardships and divine interventions and finally to die with just a moment’s relief before death made me feel what life is this to die thus. Fantine’s death was depressing enough. Only Cosette’s AndTheyHappilyLivedEverAfter gave some relief. It took me 2-3 months to read this book. Why Vikram Seth’s Suitable Boy hardly took little more than a week. That was like reading an mega tv serial. India why the half the world lives below the poverty line. The story of African orphaned children, widowed women with AIDs in the documentary on Nile Perch, makes one acutely aware of the conditions of the miserables everywhere in this world. But what is being done about them? It pains me and something will be done soon with god’s grace.

Velankanni

I was up from 2:45 am, since mom was cooking at that time. We boarded the 4:30 am bus and i watched the sunrise sitting in the bus after a long time. Watching a sunrise always brings in the freshness with its myriad dawn hues. I slept off from thanjavur. we reached Vailankanni around 10:30. My didi (mom's christian friendz daughter) is also 30 and unmarried and so she had got a kuthu vilakku. I admire Christians for their faith. On the way i saw the memorial tower they had built for tsunami victims. the place was still backward though. In Church So after waddling in the sea water in Vailankanni. i fell down in the water so many times and had the sea sand all over me. (I could not believe i was the same person who swam in Udipi Malpe beach, the waves made me like a ragged doll) We took bath in the room that didi had arranged. People were kneeling and moving towards Virgin Mary and after a while, my throat tightened looking at virgin mary. We then went to the old church. Didi prayed piously and later we three (my mom, didi and me) ate packed tamarind rice, idlies. They were having a 24 hour service that day. There were lots of ladies who were wore sarees like dhothis and guys who wore their dhotis like caps, that made a triangular front portion. There were young girls and guys, who were jumping and swinging their hands up and dancing to drum beat in spite of the scorching sun. Back Home We boarded a trichy bus and reached thiruvarur. the stretch from thiruvarur to Thanjavur was awesome. It was full of paddy fields, lush green, and it was raining. it was awesome. We also had a rath yathra in Thiruvarur this day that had caused delays in the morning. Thank god, it didn't rain in the evening. In Thanjavur, we had a hot bajji, boiled groundnuts and it was just after 9 when we reached home. It was a fun trip, tiring one though.

Kukke Subrahmanya

How it started?

Suddenly i got a gtalk query from RP, she was asking, whether a southwest facing house was ok. And so i hit upon guruji’s website and found news about Kukke Subrahmanya. Frankly, i was not thinking about my Kalasarpa dosha then. I just wanted to run out of hostel, far from the madding crowd, far from the hectic term 4.

I called up mom and started to plan the logistics the moment she agreed to come. After thirunaageswaram, and kodumudi poojas, i had become skeptic about the efficacy of poojaris. And right after i booked the train ticket and ksrtc bus tickets i hit upon a blog, that described the turmoil they had faced when they wanted to do a parihara. I was disturbed, never before had such mental blocks been created, even before i had started for the trip. I was frankly considering cancelling the trip, catching a bus home. But lo, i decided to carry on with conflicting thoughts. I had my last deliverable on aug 31st, which was postponed to sep 1st. Our bus was at 9:15 pm in majestic and i found myself, keying in the deliverable till 8:15 pm. I uploaded my project report around 8:20 p.m. I didn’t even attend calls from my friends the whole day, hurriedly boarded the auto at 8:30 from campus. We reached exactly at 9:15 pm and i frantically rushed inside to search for platform 5A, after being guided thus by the security in ksrtc busstop. Finally managed to spot the bus, mom was thoroughly hassled by my antics.

Trip and Day 1

The reason, i had booked for sep 3rd was coz, i didn’t get a return ticket the same night in yeshwantpur express. My mangalore travel mate, gave me Mayura’s no. where i booked the room over phone. We reached KS around 5 am and found Mayura very near to busstop. We just collapsed and slept for more than 2 hours and then took bath and went to the temple. It was trayodashi, i was glad, the days we had chosen didn’t fall on dashami, ekadashi, gokulasatami and shivarathiri, as mentioned in the temple notice board. We just went with flowers and found no takers for flowers, i decided, i would rather give 50 to poojari so that he could accept the flowers. I got no peace, it was crowded, it was disturbing, and i felt bad after coming out.

It was just 10:30, i decided to go to dharmasthala and we went there. They were playing lalitha and somehow this time, i chose to close my eyes to poojaris and felt my heart melting to lord out there. I decided to chuck off trayodashi and ended up having lunch in dharmasthala’s annapoorna. It was close to 4 when we came back. We came to Mayura, rested for a while and then decided to explore KS. We walked uphill, amidst scenic KS. It was raining, the houses were constructed on the hill slopes and slowly the modern houses gave way to thatched ones, slowly to wilderness. We walked till it got dark and we reached a well that was fenced and decided to walk back. Only then, we realized, we had climbed up so much, the valleys on one side were to so deep and the creeky noises of the crickets and the jungle eeriness crept on to me. Everything in rain was so pristine pure like a freshly bathed trembling girl.

Day 2

I knew the train was only at 10 pm and KS temple didn’t beckon me. We skipped our breakfast and were lounging in Mayura watching the rain patter and solving Sudoku from DC. Mom had put the charger in the headphones socket and hence i was neither able to receive calls nor call anyone. At last Mayura folks got it repaired for us. Mom wanted to go to temple before lunch, but i dragged her to hotel where we had lunch.

We went back, took an umbrella and decided to walk. We found Mahaganapathi temple on the way and next to it was vana durga devi temple, where i went due to my astro mentor. We used to fight, because, i refused to say vana durga manthra which he insisted that i should. We walked further down and reached kumara dhara. Water was dirty, yet not so dirty, it was cool, people were buying poris, mom got 2 pori packets and suddenly the whole bank was swarming with fishes. So many fishes, it was all black in sringeri, here it was brownish gray. I got so lost in feeding the fishes and made mom buy 2 more packets and watched the fishes swarming and zooming by, and swiftly cruising underneath once poris got over. I wanted to play in the running water, take bath rather and found another set of steps, where no one was there.

The security for the dressing room, said, folks used come bellege to take bath. So i got down into water and just sprinkled my head with water and came out. While we were there, we found so many marriage invitation cards being washed in the river. It was for a june 3rd marriage, some reddy. I mentally blessed those couple for a happy married life and a son, only then, i found, there were simply too many cards for it be considered the left over extra cards. It was due to a marriage that didn’t take place.

I walked back, towards the forest instead of going to Mayura. It was 2:15 pm and we decided to walk till 3:15 pm towards the forests. It was an awesome forest, with birds chirping well in advance, when some vehicle was coming, it gave a sense of spookiness. I got a bit adventurous, walking where ever the path led. At last i wanted water and found a place where they had some sodas and drank that. Only while returning, we had a breathtaking panoramic view. Clouds were touching the hills and it was plain grass with few bushes strewn here and there. It was cinematic and so scenic that i was enthralled. Suddenly, mom decided, that we need to rush back, since a lorry had come too close to us with arms flailing around. We hitchhiked back in a milk jeep and took another auto for the rest of the journey.

Back to blore

It was 7 pm, when we decided to gobble some dinner. This time, i felt i needed to see KS temple. When i was in 7th, it used to be muruga constantly on my lips, I frankly don’t know when i started with Shiva. So we went in there and this time, i felt some force, i felt overwhelmed with divinity. I had proper darshan, that lingered for some extra time and i prayed for everyone and it was 8:30 pm. We had to vacate the room and have dinner as well. We didn’t wait for annadhana and ate in same kumarakripa and boarded a jeep back to station. There was no light leading to the station and it was pitch dark with odd headlights of vehicles zooming by in the opposite direction.

As i reflect back, it was a charming place. I had not seen emeralds shine as brightly as those verdant leaves shivering like a nubile seraph out there in the rain. Not in patches, the sylvan surroundings were all over, engulfing us, immersing us in its fecundity everywhere our eyes settled. It was truly breathtaking, so awe inspiring, so inviting for just being one with Mother Nature.

Why do people scale heights?

After a long time, I went for walking with mom tonight. Mom had traveled this whole day and hence she asked to cut short the walk. That happened to be at the cross road that took us to the water tank.

The sight of the huge 100+ feet water tank, made me nostalgic. Rewinding back to 5th standard.

Narmada and Nazreen were my friends and we three finished our last exam and were walking back from school. Those days the area around water tank was full of mango trees. We wanted to explore the mango grove and I ended up climbing up the water tank. It was around 3-4 pm. The OFT high school folks saw my Kendriya Vidyalaya uniform and the matter was informed to the school. They came to the tank, beckoned me down, my name and mother’s name was obtained. I didn’t know to lie and ended up giving my mother’s real name.

A small kid like me climbing the water tank became a hoopla for our locality. My madam Sugandhavalli made me write impositions 500 times that my hand hurt. Other teachers reprimanded me in every class. Narmada was transferred to another school. Every house where I happened to go those few days secretly whispered that I climbed the tank and I cringed at that thought. Had I been a guy, it would not have been a problem. The last time I climbed the tank was after 3 idiots, to see Sep 5. Am wondering, why do I climb water tanks and small hills. Simply because it is there. But why? True strength is not courage but lack of fear. But am filled with full blind courage and old climbers’ fear. Deadly combination.

While coming back to my cross, I passed through Nazreen’s house. Being Sunday, a strong biryani smell was permeating the whole neighbourhood from her house. My mouth watered, and I ended up buying top ramen even after 8 pm to satiate my tongue. Need to go see Nazreen and her baby daughter soon.

My experience with Vipassana Meditation

I always used to wonder about things in general so much so that, when I worked in CTS, my colleagues used to ask me, why do you start your sentences with “I am wondering”. I was always religious in the naamkevaas sense. Till 7th standard for everything I used to say Muruga Muruga, later I don’t know how it got changed to Shiva Shiva, so much so that, people around me used to laugh, when I said Shiva Shiva. I had Shiva to help my movements due to my replaced hip whenever I sat or arose up and walked over the tiles. Now, I respect the common inner meaning in all religions or even atheism, how profound is this meaning and how united are all religions in universal love. Now I sense why film makers make the same old love stories and yet make profit.

Garuda puranam mentioned the origin of all diseases, but the pdf file I read, gave nothing for the 6 accidents/ hip injuries I sustained repeatedly. I used to wonder why, now I got the answer thanks to vipassana. Subconsciously I have been inviting them thanks to my previous karmas. Thanks to the goodness and love prevailing around with abundant mercy, I have now come to realize the origin and cause of all things, its merely a matter of meditating to seek the answers. I have also realized the importance of seeking such beautiful knowledge with right, proper divine goals in mind for everyone’s well being and self improvement. Hence, I have realized why these mathematicians and geniuses went mad as well.

After the end of 9 days in the vipassana center, I removed all my earrings, anklets, chain, my ring, purse and offered the same to a great soul with my father’s name, begging so that I can become a buddhist nun. He said, what foolishness, and refused to accept it. Even I felt, why should I beg, I will live the life of a Buddhist nun wherever I am. I meditated for a while and realized my purpose in life was different. If we think answers come from within, it does, if we think external, then also yes; for our results are a mixture of these two. Now, I will take life as it comes with complete awareness.

How did vipassana happen?

Being a devotee of almighty, I used to travel 6 hours one way for Thirvuvanamalai girivalam on full moons whenever it was possible. Unlike other full moons, I travelled last December for karthigai deepam with an exchange student who was studying law. While I was concerned for his safety, it so happened that my purse and mobile were stolen in that trip and he happened to lend me his money. He was planning for Vipassana the next day in Chennai. So I should thank him and the prof.
Back in the institute, I always struggled with vipassana, but in March and April, I had the divine opportunity of meditating in dhyana Kendra thanks to friend’s wedding in Gobi, staying for a while in ramana ashram, going to virupaksha cave thanks to another prof. I lost track of time till May; my family tells me that I was without food for more than a week. Now I realize everything happens in time with proper efforts now and for good. Am glad now and I wish, everyone is blessed with greater joy and bliss.

Now I understand the meaning of Maharshi Ramana’s remarks to a question asked by a Malayalee devotee in 1930s. Devotee asks, is not social service better than sitting and meditating. Maharshi replies, the sea is not aware of its own waves and the soul is not aware of its own ego. How profound is this reply. May all the good souls bless this universe with love and mercy and happiness.

Udipi and Malpe Beach

The Idea

On Wednesday, the night before pongal, the doctor pinged to say that he had got selected in Aesthavagen and that he was too happy to read for his exams. He said he was going to Meenakshi temple and I said, i will tag along. So we went and while returning from temple, he was talking about this beautiful place called Agumbe and how he had a family out there that would let him stay. He said, there are so many waterfalls and it was the best place to see the sunset. He said, he used to take his bike and go to Malpe beach and spend hours there. I was struck with Agumbe now and fairy tale like images of waterfalls trespassed my mind.

The same night i gathered folks for the trip. Tickets were booked to Udipi and plan was made, first to see the Krishna temple and then to Malpe beach, St. Mary’s islands (spellings ranged from Marry to Merry on the painted boards). Folks were more keen on beach than Agumbe.

Friday Night
My telephonic interview was scheduled at 4:30 and till then, I missed having my evening snacks in mess, waited tensely without freshening up. At 7:40 placecom said, the call has been postponed to Monday 4:30 pm. Around the same time my friend dropped in. At 8:45 was the bus departure from Jayanagar 4th block and he lingered around while I shoved all my stuff in my bag. I hurried, forgetting my purse, forgetting to change from my bathroom slippers, forgetting my umbrella. I had to borrow 500 from him at main gate and boarded the bus just in time.

Saturday Morning with Udipi SriKrishna
We quickly took bath, went to temple. Had a peaceful darshan. I had been there once in 1994 and after that this was the second time. I was surprised to see Krishna caged like that. It was like seeing a divine prisoner. We gave flowers, drank the teertha. Prayed for a while, gave way as cows were being led inside the temple. Apparently, on 18th some guruji was coming, so preparations were in full swing for the event, right from stage decoration to temple tinkering.

After darshan, we had a light breakfast of 2 idlies and bought fruits and boarded a bus to Malpe Beach. I felt as if there was a basket of dead fish next to me. It stank like fish everywhere.

Temple Entrance


Raths outside the temple


Whatz cooking behind the screens?


St. Mary’s Islands
Apparently it was a group of islands, one of them being coconut island. I just explored a part of the coconut island in the hot scorching afternoon. It was hot and i was glad, i bought a new lavender umbrella. We had to get down one stop before the Malpe beach to board the ferry to this coconut island. We got a entry ticket for 2. The fish stench was unbearable. Workers and fishermen were earning their livelihood, while i covered my nose and kept my words to bare minimum and walked under the hot sun, with the umbrella as my sole protection. A few minutes after we reached the counter, we bought tickets for 80 each. The huge houseflies there were stubborn, which refused to fly away with a wave. I took a newspaper to keep the flies away. Bald eagles, sea gulls and many kinds of sea birds were circling above. Tiny tadpole like fishes were swimming near the ferry. The ferry started and there were many families with cartons of beer bottles, many cute pairs. I was smitten by the charming allure of muslim girls in burqa, and svelte gals in dressed in sleek outfits.

We had fruits for lunch. Lounged under a coconut tree watching the waves beat against the vertical black rectangular rocks. These rocks looked as if, someone had taken pains to chop off rectangular pieces to shape them thus. There were big black crabs scampering all around and so many other sea creatures. I begged my friends to let me swim, stating, where do we have beaches in Bangalore and I don't know when i will come back to sea. The rocks below were slippery with moss and algae. I tried to walk between the rocks. I didn’t know about Malpe beach and was thinking that, that too would be covered with rocks. So i took on to swimming in the rocky sea from one rock to another. It was a small distance but i was exhausted and when i wanted to hold on to the rocks, i found there were so many black crabs black as the rock crawling around. I missed the rock and found i was going under water. Luckily, equally scared crabs made way for me to hold on to the rocks and gave me space to rest on it for a while. I bruised my knees, my knuckles, got a tear on my little finger, that burns even now. While returning to the shore, I floated on my back and on the beach, hoarded small mountains of sea shells. As we progressed away from the water, the same shells, got broken into smaller and smaller pieces forming the beach sand in a motley of colours.

Rocky Coconut Island – St. Mary’s Islands


Rocks rocks everywhere


Malpe Beach
We took an auto for 30 from St Mary’s Ferry Stop to Malpe beach. It was around 4:30 pm. I was so glad to see the beach without rocks. I had been swimming only in the pool all these days and it was joy unspeakable to swim in the sea and feel the waves. I jumped and played and swam in the sea, savouring the pristine golden sunset, exuding all its warmth in golden yellow, brilliant orange, scarlet red, crimson pink and ravishing blue. We were all soaked in the golden twilight. I played in the water even after the sun set, for hours after it got completely dark unmindful of my legs hurting. At 7, everyone left, except of couple of 1st year engg college students from Gulbarga. I played till even those guys said, return, for it has become dark. So i bid adieu to the sea at last, while my friends back on the beach scolded me on choosing not to pay heed to their words all these hours. We came back, had a quick bath and i discovered that my copper bracelet was shining like a new one. I was glad to have spent some time in the salty sea water. We just had time to have a quick bath and dinner of roti-dal fry and board our bus back to bangalore.

After sunset in Malpe Beach


Now am seriously going to prepare for interviews. Lost so much time. Got to see Agumbe by Feb mid when Sugi comes.

2 Deaths

I came out of swimming pool and tried mom’s number while walking back to board the bus at the busstand, which is a good 12 minutes walk from the pool. She didn’t pick it up. So i called Cheenu and he said, it has been 9 months. Therefore, all this.

December 29th 2006
The Dream
Those days we were living in Palavakkam – sugi, I, Ani, and one NV24 girl. We had the room leading to the bedroom between kitchen and the second bedroom. Sugi and I slept off. That night i had a dream. I saw my ammayi sleeping on the cot dressed in green pattu sari. There were crowds of people, moving around. Even dad was in my dream.

Next day Morning

The next morning, i woke up and my sister in her usual calm voice said, that ammayi had passed away last night. She had got the call around 11 pm and she didn’t tell me because she was afraid that i would travel without bothering about the hour. She was right. I would not have minded midnight travelling. I was angry with her. My dream flashed in front of me. Last time i went to my mom's native place, I remembered ammayi, sitting on the dry riverbed watching me till i disappeared.

The trip

Last time, i went to get her ashirvaadham in a wedding, she made me walk to see for herself, if my legs were ok. Back in the bus, I felt my throat hurting. I was crying all the way. I told my relatives, not to take her before i reached. I took a bus to koyembedu. Then one to Namakkal and another one to Musiri. I got the garlands and it was close to 4 pm. So i hired an ambassador, got a garland and hurried and later dad called up to say that they could not wait any longer and they had buried her. Others were scolding me that because of me, the crowd had dwindled and only few were left to accompany her to her last destination. I decided am not to step in that house. My cousins and mom, chithi hopped on to the car and we reached musiri busstand. I decided, am not going to come home, instead i will go to my cousin’s house. I wanted to withdraw money from KVB atm and my ICICI debit card got stuck in the ATM. It took some time for the bank guy to come and retrieve my card.

Akka’s home

We reached her home around 10:30 pm. Next to it was a temple. My mama was a poojari. Apparently my akka had to wear a white sari because of this during her wedding. Every morning, she had to clean the temple premises in addition to her own house. It was a village and December cold was biting into my bones. In the morning, mama had got lots of vegetables and we made chappati since i was their special guest. My niece and nephew were excited by having a chithi amidst them after more than decade. By afternoon, he dropped me at the busstop and i reached home.

After all this ammayi came again once in my dream, this time with my mom’s brother and she was scolding me, literally slapping me. After that she disappeared for ever.


April 10, 2009, Unforgettable Good Friday

The evening before

It was during my summer internship. While returning from Biocon office, after reaching campus post office gate, i used to talk to dad over phone till i reached hostel. Whenever i had to walk on Bangalore roads alone i used to talk to dad and walk, be it going to parlour or buying veggies. This time, on April 9th when i called him, he didn’t sound well. He said he had severe back pain. His back pain was a recurring thing after a scooter accident decades ago. I asked if he had someone to go to hospital with. He said, yes. He meant my step mom. Later my cousin claimed he was there, when i had called dad. I called up my brother who lived 8 kms away to accompany dad to hospital. He dismissed it off, due to earlier misunderstandings again due to me. Even now, he continues to blame, that i didn’t stress enough that he should have accompanied dad to hospital. How was I to know that this was a heart attack?

The D – Day

At night, before going to sleep, i prayed that dad should be healthy and not have any pain. I woke up in the morning and found calls from my uncle. I had not brushed my teeth. So i didn’t attend his calls. I took bath, lit lamp and prayed that dad should not have any pain. I prayed for dad. I then called up uncle and he said, that dad was taken to hospital and that he was really sick. I went back to my ganesha and prayed , that if he is alive, let him not have any pain. If he had to have pain, let him rather die without pain than being bedridden with excruciating pain. Think i should have prayed for his life as well, in addition to relief from pain. Later mom called up to say that dad had died. They were separated for almost 2-3 years now. I could not believe my ears. I retorted what uncle had told that dad was serious. Then i saw the 4 missed calls of uncle and he confirmed what mom said. I was shocked. It was good Friday, so we didn’t have office. So i decided i will go have my first meal for the day before embarking on this unreserved journey. I went to Amritha Kalash, bought one curd rice, had just one spoon. But, could not eat any further. I just left the food. I went about mechanically, calling up my PM to say that i will not be coming to office tomorrow. Near the auditorium, i remembered that i had to dry my clothes from the washing machine. I asked DG to do it for me. I was told, i didn’t have to hurry, that they have kept him in a ice box, so that sugi could join from rohtak.

The trip

Around 12 pm, I took an auto to silkboard. A bus to hosur. Another bus to salem. Another bus to namakkal. I was wondering, why they didn’t take him to oft. I was still shocked. I sat on the gearboxes, i sat without thinking. I reached namakkal around 7:30. I called up Cheenu to ask, if they had something to eat. He said, no. He was shocked and he was feeling very guilty that he had not done his duties as a son. I had 2 idlies and then one more on banana leaf in a hotel in nammakkal busstand. I took the bus to mahadevi. My cousin was waiting with a tvs bike. I sat behind and went and saw for myself. Dad was indeed inside a icebox. My grandmom hugged me and cried. I still had no tears coming out.

The nonsense

I was told sugi would be joining us soon. I comforted my visibly distressed bro. I told him, don’t feel bad, he was destined to go that way - unattended. I was feeling so bad, that i didn’t do many things, i could have done as a daughter. I didn’t cook food for him, while i was hurrying for office. Though i prepared dinner after i came back. I was glad, he agreed to pose during my bro’s convocation in the beginning of April. For my sister's convo he had refused to stand in the same frame with mom.

I kept staring at dad. I was afraid to go next to him and slept outside on a mat under the bare sky with naked tubelights next to me attracting flies. One fly got into my ear and i woke up and went to sit next to dad’s box. It was around 3 am and my cousins were asking about dad’s bank details. I was angry and i told them, i had no clue about his bank details and his card pin number. I just slept next to dad’s box and i felt really strange to be lying next to him like this.

In the morning, people came, i just brushed my teeth. During brushing my eldest aunt came and asked me, if i knew what dad had done with this retirement money. When dad retired on Jan 24th, i told him, give the aunties, before they ask. Dad had replied, what will i do then. I stopped after that. No one knew what dad did with his retirement money. He had invested everything in his lady’s paper cup machines. No one got anything. So i swore to god, disgusted that by god’s promise, i didn’t know anything about dad’s money. I could not withdraw 10k as my bro had asked due to atm issue. I had got only 5k. In the morning, i gave that to my cousin. They ended up getting numerous saris with that for mom. My dad never wanted mom to wear her thaali. Now for this ritual, she had to wear this, so that it could be plucked off. She had to wear bangles so that it could be broken off. I was tired after a days journey and nearly sleepless night. So in the morning, while ladies came in packs, made a circle and cried, i tried to close my eyes and just collapsed on a coir rope cot. There were drunkard uncles who advised me not to sleep on this side of the coir cot. I just wanted to escape from this. Mom never cried, even for the worst thing. So i just had to console my bro and sis. They both were heartbroken, because they had never attended his calls. I was always yes-dad gal.

My dad’s houseowner only knew me and my stepmom and grandmom. The houseowner’s mom had died and he had his head tonsured. Only after they introduced themselves as houseowners, i remembered them. I served them food around 3 pm. Dad’s colleagues were asking over mobile if the news was true. I was sick of attending his friends calls.

I was planning to start around 11 pm, so that i will not reach blore in unearthly hours. But the bickering of my dads relatives for the share of bike and furniture in his new rented house made me crazy. I decided to leave at 7 pm. I felt 2-3 am in deserted bangalore streets was far better than these crazy relatives who laid new rules.

Back to Bangalore

Came back to hostel around 3 am. I slept. I went about mechanically. Only then, i realized, oh my god, i should have prayed differently. I was missing dad while walking alone. Now it has been 9 months since he died, and now it hurts my throat. God, dad was so caring, but in the end, everyone including his mom said, he left nothing for her to take care of her during her old days. Dad did everything for others. He tried to raise 2 of his sisters kids. He provided for all his sisters all his life, yet towards the end, no one was grateful for all that he had done. He gave out his life for us, yet towards the end, no one was next to him. I didn’t know that back pain was a symptom for heart attack.

Recently dad appeared twice, while i was still awake. Call it hallucination as in Twilight New Moon appearing and disappearing. Twice the Friday before last, and once when i was coming downhill Sivaganga. On and off he flashes. I have a feeling, he still has not entered another womb. He is up there somewhere. Gustave’s dream interpretations for dad is not all that good. On and off, he still comes in my dreams. Wish...