2 Deaths

I came out of swimming pool and tried mom’s number while walking back to board the bus at the busstand, which is a good 12 minutes walk from the pool. She didn’t pick it up. So i called Cheenu and he said, it has been 9 months. Therefore, all this.

December 29th 2006
The Dream
Those days we were living in Palavakkam – sugi, I, Ani, and one NV24 girl. We had the room leading to the bedroom between kitchen and the second bedroom. Sugi and I slept off. That night i had a dream. I saw my ammayi sleeping on the cot dressed in green pattu sari. There were crowds of people, moving around. Even dad was in my dream.

Next day Morning

The next morning, i woke up and my sister in her usual calm voice said, that ammayi had passed away last night. She had got the call around 11 pm and she didn’t tell me because she was afraid that i would travel without bothering about the hour. She was right. I would not have minded midnight travelling. I was angry with her. My dream flashed in front of me. Last time i went to my mom's native place, I remembered ammayi, sitting on the dry riverbed watching me till i disappeared.

The trip

Last time, i went to get her ashirvaadham in a wedding, she made me walk to see for herself, if my legs were ok. Back in the bus, I felt my throat hurting. I was crying all the way. I told my relatives, not to take her before i reached. I took a bus to koyembedu. Then one to Namakkal and another one to Musiri. I got the garlands and it was close to 4 pm. So i hired an ambassador, got a garland and hurried and later dad called up to say that they could not wait any longer and they had buried her. Others were scolding me that because of me, the crowd had dwindled and only few were left to accompany her to her last destination. I decided am not to step in that house. My cousins and mom, chithi hopped on to the car and we reached musiri busstand. I decided, am not going to come home, instead i will go to my cousin’s house. I wanted to withdraw money from KVB atm and my ICICI debit card got stuck in the ATM. It took some time for the bank guy to come and retrieve my card.

Akka’s home

We reached her home around 10:30 pm. Next to it was a temple. My mama was a poojari. Apparently my akka had to wear a white sari because of this during her wedding. Every morning, she had to clean the temple premises in addition to her own house. It was a village and December cold was biting into my bones. In the morning, mama had got lots of vegetables and we made chappati since i was their special guest. My niece and nephew were excited by having a chithi amidst them after more than decade. By afternoon, he dropped me at the busstop and i reached home.

After all this ammayi came again once in my dream, this time with my mom’s brother and she was scolding me, literally slapping me. After that she disappeared for ever.


April 10, 2009, Unforgettable Good Friday

The evening before

It was during my summer internship. While returning from Biocon office, after reaching campus post office gate, i used to talk to dad over phone till i reached hostel. Whenever i had to walk on Bangalore roads alone i used to talk to dad and walk, be it going to parlour or buying veggies. This time, on April 9th when i called him, he didn’t sound well. He said he had severe back pain. His back pain was a recurring thing after a scooter accident decades ago. I asked if he had someone to go to hospital with. He said, yes. He meant my step mom. Later my cousin claimed he was there, when i had called dad. I called up my brother who lived 8 kms away to accompany dad to hospital. He dismissed it off, due to earlier misunderstandings again due to me. Even now, he continues to blame, that i didn’t stress enough that he should have accompanied dad to hospital. How was I to know that this was a heart attack?

The D – Day

At night, before going to sleep, i prayed that dad should be healthy and not have any pain. I woke up in the morning and found calls from my uncle. I had not brushed my teeth. So i didn’t attend his calls. I took bath, lit lamp and prayed that dad should not have any pain. I prayed for dad. I then called up uncle and he said, that dad was taken to hospital and that he was really sick. I went back to my ganesha and prayed , that if he is alive, let him not have any pain. If he had to have pain, let him rather die without pain than being bedridden with excruciating pain. Think i should have prayed for his life as well, in addition to relief from pain. Later mom called up to say that dad had died. They were separated for almost 2-3 years now. I could not believe my ears. I retorted what uncle had told that dad was serious. Then i saw the 4 missed calls of uncle and he confirmed what mom said. I was shocked. It was good Friday, so we didn’t have office. So i decided i will go have my first meal for the day before embarking on this unreserved journey. I went to Amritha Kalash, bought one curd rice, had just one spoon. But, could not eat any further. I just left the food. I went about mechanically, calling up my PM to say that i will not be coming to office tomorrow. Near the auditorium, i remembered that i had to dry my clothes from the washing machine. I asked DG to do it for me. I was told, i didn’t have to hurry, that they have kept him in a ice box, so that sugi could join from rohtak.

The trip

Around 12 pm, I took an auto to silkboard. A bus to hosur. Another bus to salem. Another bus to namakkal. I was wondering, why they didn’t take him to oft. I was still shocked. I sat on the gearboxes, i sat without thinking. I reached namakkal around 7:30. I called up Cheenu to ask, if they had something to eat. He said, no. He was shocked and he was feeling very guilty that he had not done his duties as a son. I had 2 idlies and then one more on banana leaf in a hotel in nammakkal busstand. I took the bus to mahadevi. My cousin was waiting with a tvs bike. I sat behind and went and saw for myself. Dad was indeed inside a icebox. My grandmom hugged me and cried. I still had no tears coming out.

The nonsense

I was told sugi would be joining us soon. I comforted my visibly distressed bro. I told him, don’t feel bad, he was destined to go that way - unattended. I was feeling so bad, that i didn’t do many things, i could have done as a daughter. I didn’t cook food for him, while i was hurrying for office. Though i prepared dinner after i came back. I was glad, he agreed to pose during my bro’s convocation in the beginning of April. For my sister's convo he had refused to stand in the same frame with mom.

I kept staring at dad. I was afraid to go next to him and slept outside on a mat under the bare sky with naked tubelights next to me attracting flies. One fly got into my ear and i woke up and went to sit next to dad’s box. It was around 3 am and my cousins were asking about dad’s bank details. I was angry and i told them, i had no clue about his bank details and his card pin number. I just slept next to dad’s box and i felt really strange to be lying next to him like this.

In the morning, people came, i just brushed my teeth. During brushing my eldest aunt came and asked me, if i knew what dad had done with this retirement money. When dad retired on Jan 24th, i told him, give the aunties, before they ask. Dad had replied, what will i do then. I stopped after that. No one knew what dad did with his retirement money. He had invested everything in his lady’s paper cup machines. No one got anything. So i swore to god, disgusted that by god’s promise, i didn’t know anything about dad’s money. I could not withdraw 10k as my bro had asked due to atm issue. I had got only 5k. In the morning, i gave that to my cousin. They ended up getting numerous saris with that for mom. My dad never wanted mom to wear her thaali. Now for this ritual, she had to wear this, so that it could be plucked off. She had to wear bangles so that it could be broken off. I was tired after a days journey and nearly sleepless night. So in the morning, while ladies came in packs, made a circle and cried, i tried to close my eyes and just collapsed on a coir rope cot. There were drunkard uncles who advised me not to sleep on this side of the coir cot. I just wanted to escape from this. Mom never cried, even for the worst thing. So i just had to console my bro and sis. They both were heartbroken, because they had never attended his calls. I was always yes-dad gal.

My dad’s houseowner only knew me and my stepmom and grandmom. The houseowner’s mom had died and he had his head tonsured. Only after they introduced themselves as houseowners, i remembered them. I served them food around 3 pm. Dad’s colleagues were asking over mobile if the news was true. I was sick of attending his friends calls.

I was planning to start around 11 pm, so that i will not reach blore in unearthly hours. But the bickering of my dads relatives for the share of bike and furniture in his new rented house made me crazy. I decided to leave at 7 pm. I felt 2-3 am in deserted bangalore streets was far better than these crazy relatives who laid new rules.

Back to Bangalore

Came back to hostel around 3 am. I slept. I went about mechanically. Only then, i realized, oh my god, i should have prayed differently. I was missing dad while walking alone. Now it has been 9 months since he died, and now it hurts my throat. God, dad was so caring, but in the end, everyone including his mom said, he left nothing for her to take care of her during her old days. Dad did everything for others. He tried to raise 2 of his sisters kids. He provided for all his sisters all his life, yet towards the end, no one was grateful for all that he had done. He gave out his life for us, yet towards the end, no one was next to him. I didn’t know that back pain was a symptom for heart attack.

Recently dad appeared twice, while i was still awake. Call it hallucination as in Twilight New Moon appearing and disappearing. Twice the Friday before last, and once when i was coming downhill Sivaganga. On and off he flashes. I have a feeling, he still has not entered another womb. He is up there somewhere. Gustave’s dream interpretations for dad is not all that good. On and off, he still comes in my dreams. Wish...