We had a course called CARTS (creativity in arts and science). The prof circulated 2 handouts from this book which I read and felt I had read the complete book some time earlier. Now as I read this book afresh, everything seems so profound. For instance,
"Man has upon him his flesh, which is at once his burden and his temptation. He drags it with him and yields to it. He must watch it, cheek it, repress it, and obey it only at the last extremity. There may be some fault even in this obedience; but the fault thus committed is venial; it is a fall, but a fall on the knees which may terminate in prayer."
How commensurate is each word for we indeed carry this body based on our own wants and desires. Now I understand why child is the father of the man. All we need to do is watch our thoughts, for they translate into words and deeds, or even simpler, watch our breath and merely observe it.
Now I realize why my sister who is a dentist can do the things (deal with blood and teeth) that i merely say, while she does it. I see the world with rose tinted glasses, seeing only the positive and the beautiful, while she sees it as it is. I left biology because of dissections, to go beyond this flesh and blood for healing the sufferers is something that doctors do and now I respect her even more and all doctors. To be completely aware, without being involved is the greatest mastery of this birth. And so Hugo’s lines as compared to Wilde’s lines (All art is quite useless) in “The Picture of Dorian Gray” makes a distinct impression on me:
The beautiful is as useful as the useful." He added after a pause, "More so, perhaps."
Senator’s lines on it is better to be a tooth than the grass, loud proclamations over existence have such inner meaning as well.
When Jean Valjean aka M. sur M says the following:
“The kindness which consists in upholding a woman of the town against a citizen, the police agent against the mayor, the man who is down against the man who is up in the world, is what I call false kindness. That is the sort of kindness which disorganizes society. Good God! it is very easy to be kind; the difficulty lies in being just.” It again raises the eternal struggle underneath, how different is this external perception for every individual.
“One can no more prevent thought from recurring to an idea than one can the sea from returning to the shore: the sailor calls it the tide; the guilty man calls it remorse; God upheaves the soul as he does the ocean.” I am wondering what beckons people to beaches, why does it sound musical to some and disharmonious to others – these waves.
“That light called history is pitiless; it possesses this peculiar and divine quality, that, pure light as it is, and precisely because it is wholly light, it often casts a shadow in places where people had hitherto beheld rays; from the same man it constructs two different phantoms, and the one attacks the other and executes justice on it, and the shadows of the despot contend with the brilliancy of the leader.”
Why do very few people see the coin as a whole, while others confine only to the brilliance and yet others focus on the darkness? What is that one needs?
And again, the war history is overwhelming and the connection to explain where the post man Joseph drives the post wagon “What is Waterloo? A victory? No. The winning number in the lottery.”
“The peculiar property of truth is never to commit excesses. What need has it of exaggeration? There is that which it is necessary to destroy, and there is that which it is simply necessary to elucidate and examine. What a force is kindly and serious examination! Let us not apply a flame where only a light is required.” How can Librans and Sagittarians learn to apply this to their daily lives?
“To roam thoughtfully about, that is to say, to lounge, is a fine employment of time in the eyes of the philosopher;…. end of the divine murmur, beginning of the human uproar; hence an extraordinary interest.”
Almost every chapter had paragraphs of wisdom and the fact that he was a (Feb 26, 1802) moon scorpio, sun-piscean further intrigued me. When I did a wiki and found his 19 year old daughter dead, another daughter in an insane asylum and sons dead, somehow made me wonder about the fate of the children he had in spite of achieving such greatness in literature. Ok, let me not mix astrology with literature.
His book made me laugh, made me cry, made me go through all emotions. His way of building up a huge background for the players to enact was at times painful to read. At times, it made me wonder about his methodical nature. How assiduous he was in describing each and every detail, right from the wars to the sewers.
Jean Valjean’s life of untold miseries and hardships and divine interventions and finally to die with just a moment’s relief before death made me feel what life is this to die thus. Fantine’s death was depressing enough. Only Cosette’s AndTheyHappilyLivedEverAfter gave some relief. It took me 2-3 months to read this book. Why Vikram Seth’s Suitable Boy hardly took little more than a week. That was like reading an mega tv serial. India why the half the world lives below the poverty line. The story of African orphaned children, widowed women with AIDs in the documentary on Nile Perch, makes one acutely aware of the conditions of the miserables everywhere in this world. But what is being done about them? It pains me and something will be done soon with god’s grace.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Velankanni
I was up from 2:45 am, since mom was cooking at that time. We boarded the 4:30 am bus and i watched the sunrise sitting in the bus after a long time. Watching a sunrise always brings in the freshness with its myriad dawn hues. I slept off from thanjavur. we reached Vailankanni around 10:30. My didi (mom's christian friendz daughter) is also 30 and unmarried and so she had got a kuthu vilakku. I admire Christians for their faith. On the way i saw the memorial tower they had built for tsunami victims. the place was still backward though.
In Church
So after waddling in the sea water in Vailankanni. i fell down in the water so many times and had the sea sand all over me. (I could not believe i was the same person who swam in Udipi Malpe beach, the waves made me like a ragged doll) We took bath in the room that didi had arranged. People were kneeling and moving towards Virgin Mary and after a while, my throat tightened looking at virgin mary.
We then went to the old church. Didi prayed piously and later we three (my mom, didi and me) ate packed tamarind rice, idlies. They were having a 24 hour service that day. There were lots of ladies who were wore sarees like dhothis and guys who wore their dhotis like caps, that made a triangular front portion. There were young girls and guys, who were jumping and swinging their hands up and dancing to drum beat in spite of the scorching sun.
Back Home
We boarded a trichy bus and reached thiruvarur. the stretch from thiruvarur to Thanjavur was awesome. It was full of paddy fields, lush green, and it was raining. it was awesome. We also had a rath yathra in Thiruvarur this day that had caused delays in the morning. Thank god, it didn't rain in the evening. In Thanjavur, we had a hot bajji, boiled groundnuts and it was just after 9 when we reached home. It was a fun trip, tiring one though.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Kukke Subrahmanya
How it started?
Suddenly i got a gtalk query from RP, she was asking, whether a southwest facing house was ok. And so i hit upon guruji’s website and found news about Kukke Subrahmanya. Frankly, i was not thinking about my Kalasarpa dosha then. I just wanted to run out of hostel, far from the madding crowd, far from the hectic term 4.
I called up mom and started to plan the logistics the moment she agreed to come. After thirunaageswaram, and kodumudi poojas, i had become skeptic about the efficacy of poojaris. And right after i booked the train ticket and ksrtc bus tickets i hit upon a blog, that described the turmoil they had faced when they wanted to do a parihara. I was disturbed, never before had such mental blocks been created, even before i had started for the trip. I was frankly considering cancelling the trip, catching a bus home. But lo, i decided to carry on with conflicting thoughts. I had my last deliverable on aug 31st, which was postponed to sep 1st. Our bus was at 9:15 pm in majestic and i found myself, keying in the deliverable till 8:15 pm. I uploaded my project report around 8:20 p.m. I didn’t even attend calls from my friends the whole day, hurriedly boarded the auto at 8:30 from campus. We reached exactly at 9:15 pm and i frantically rushed inside to search for platform 5A, after being guided thus by the security in ksrtc busstop. Finally managed to spot the bus, mom was thoroughly hassled by my antics.
Trip and Day 1
The reason, i had booked for sep 3rd was coz, i didn’t get a return ticket the same night in yeshwantpur express. My mangalore travel mate, gave me Mayura’s no. where i booked the room over phone. We reached KS around 5 am and found Mayura very near to busstop. We just collapsed and slept for more than 2 hours and then took bath and went to the temple. It was trayodashi, i was glad, the days we had chosen didn’t fall on dashami, ekadashi, gokulasatami and shivarathiri, as mentioned in the temple notice board. We just went with flowers and found no takers for flowers, i decided, i would rather give 50 to poojari so that he could accept the flowers. I got no peace, it was crowded, it was disturbing, and i felt bad after coming out.
It was just 10:30, i decided to go to dharmasthala and we went there. They were playing lalitha and somehow this time, i chose to close my eyes to poojaris and felt my heart melting to lord out there. I decided to chuck off trayodashi and ended up having lunch in dharmasthala’s annapoorna. It was close to 4 when we came back. We came to Mayura, rested for a while and then decided to explore KS. We walked uphill, amidst scenic KS. It was raining, the houses were constructed on the hill slopes and slowly the modern houses gave way to thatched ones, slowly to wilderness. We walked till it got dark and we reached a well that was fenced and decided to walk back. Only then, we realized, we had climbed up so much, the valleys on one side were to so deep and the creeky noises of the crickets and the jungle eeriness crept on to me. Everything in rain was so pristine pure like a freshly bathed trembling girl.
Day 2
I knew the train was only at 10 pm and KS temple didn’t beckon me. We skipped our breakfast and were lounging in Mayura watching the rain patter and solving Sudoku from DC. Mom had put the charger in the headphones socket and hence i was neither able to receive calls nor call anyone. At last Mayura folks got it repaired for us. Mom wanted to go to temple before lunch, but i dragged her to hotel where we had lunch.
We went back, took an umbrella and decided to walk. We found Mahaganapathi temple on the way and next to it was vana durga devi temple, where i went due to my astro mentor. We used to fight, because, i refused to say vana durga manthra which he insisted that i should. We walked further down and reached kumara dhara. Water was dirty, yet not so dirty, it was cool, people were buying poris, mom got 2 pori packets and suddenly the whole bank was swarming with fishes. So many fishes, it was all black in sringeri, here it was brownish gray. I got so lost in feeding the fishes and made mom buy 2 more packets and watched the fishes swarming and zooming by, and swiftly cruising underneath once poris got over. I wanted to play in the running water, take bath rather and found another set of steps, where no one was there.
The security for the dressing room, said, folks used come bellege to take bath. So i got down into water and just sprinkled my head with water and came out. While we were there, we found so many marriage invitation cards being washed in the river. It was for a june 3rd marriage, some reddy. I mentally blessed those couple for a happy married life and a son, only then, i found, there were simply too many cards for it be considered the left over extra cards. It was due to a marriage that didn’t take place.
I walked back, towards the forest instead of going to Mayura. It was 2:15 pm and we decided to walk till 3:15 pm towards the forests. It was an awesome forest, with birds chirping well in advance, when some vehicle was coming, it gave a sense of spookiness. I got a bit adventurous, walking where ever the path led. At last i wanted water and found a place where they had some sodas and drank that. Only while returning, we had a breathtaking panoramic view. Clouds were touching the hills and it was plain grass with few bushes strewn here and there. It was cinematic and so scenic that i was enthralled. Suddenly, mom decided, that we need to rush back, since a lorry had come too close to us with arms flailing around. We hitchhiked back in a milk jeep and took another auto for the rest of the journey.
Back to blore
It was 7 pm, when we decided to gobble some dinner. This time, i felt i needed to see KS temple. When i was in 7th, it used to be muruga constantly on my lips, I frankly don’t know when i started with Shiva. So we went in there and this time, i felt some force, i felt overwhelmed with divinity. I had proper darshan, that lingered for some extra time and i prayed for everyone and it was 8:30 pm. We had to vacate the room and have dinner as well. We didn’t wait for annadhana and ate in same kumarakripa and boarded a jeep back to station. There was no light leading to the station and it was pitch dark with odd headlights of vehicles zooming by in the opposite direction.
As i reflect back, it was a charming place. I had not seen emeralds shine as brightly as those verdant leaves shivering like a nubile seraph out there in the rain. Not in patches, the sylvan surroundings were all over, engulfing us, immersing us in its fecundity everywhere our eyes settled. It was truly breathtaking, so awe inspiring, so inviting for just being one with Mother Nature.
Suddenly i got a gtalk query from RP, she was asking, whether a southwest facing house was ok. And so i hit upon guruji’s website and found news about Kukke Subrahmanya. Frankly, i was not thinking about my Kalasarpa dosha then. I just wanted to run out of hostel, far from the madding crowd, far from the hectic term 4.
I called up mom and started to plan the logistics the moment she agreed to come. After thirunaageswaram, and kodumudi poojas, i had become skeptic about the efficacy of poojaris. And right after i booked the train ticket and ksrtc bus tickets i hit upon a blog, that described the turmoil they had faced when they wanted to do a parihara. I was disturbed, never before had such mental blocks been created, even before i had started for the trip. I was frankly considering cancelling the trip, catching a bus home. But lo, i decided to carry on with conflicting thoughts. I had my last deliverable on aug 31st, which was postponed to sep 1st. Our bus was at 9:15 pm in majestic and i found myself, keying in the deliverable till 8:15 pm. I uploaded my project report around 8:20 p.m. I didn’t even attend calls from my friends the whole day, hurriedly boarded the auto at 8:30 from campus. We reached exactly at 9:15 pm and i frantically rushed inside to search for platform 5A, after being guided thus by the security in ksrtc busstop. Finally managed to spot the bus, mom was thoroughly hassled by my antics.
Trip and Day 1
The reason, i had booked for sep 3rd was coz, i didn’t get a return ticket the same night in yeshwantpur express. My mangalore travel mate, gave me Mayura’s no. where i booked the room over phone. We reached KS around 5 am and found Mayura very near to busstop. We just collapsed and slept for more than 2 hours and then took bath and went to the temple. It was trayodashi, i was glad, the days we had chosen didn’t fall on dashami, ekadashi, gokulasatami and shivarathiri, as mentioned in the temple notice board. We just went with flowers and found no takers for flowers, i decided, i would rather give 50 to poojari so that he could accept the flowers. I got no peace, it was crowded, it was disturbing, and i felt bad after coming out.
It was just 10:30, i decided to go to dharmasthala and we went there. They were playing lalitha and somehow this time, i chose to close my eyes to poojaris and felt my heart melting to lord out there. I decided to chuck off trayodashi and ended up having lunch in dharmasthala’s annapoorna. It was close to 4 when we came back. We came to Mayura, rested for a while and then decided to explore KS. We walked uphill, amidst scenic KS. It was raining, the houses were constructed on the hill slopes and slowly the modern houses gave way to thatched ones, slowly to wilderness. We walked till it got dark and we reached a well that was fenced and decided to walk back. Only then, we realized, we had climbed up so much, the valleys on one side were to so deep and the creeky noises of the crickets and the jungle eeriness crept on to me. Everything in rain was so pristine pure like a freshly bathed trembling girl.
Day 2
I knew the train was only at 10 pm and KS temple didn’t beckon me. We skipped our breakfast and were lounging in Mayura watching the rain patter and solving Sudoku from DC. Mom had put the charger in the headphones socket and hence i was neither able to receive calls nor call anyone. At last Mayura folks got it repaired for us. Mom wanted to go to temple before lunch, but i dragged her to hotel where we had lunch.
We went back, took an umbrella and decided to walk. We found Mahaganapathi temple on the way and next to it was vana durga devi temple, where i went due to my astro mentor. We used to fight, because, i refused to say vana durga manthra which he insisted that i should. We walked further down and reached kumara dhara. Water was dirty, yet not so dirty, it was cool, people were buying poris, mom got 2 pori packets and suddenly the whole bank was swarming with fishes. So many fishes, it was all black in sringeri, here it was brownish gray. I got so lost in feeding the fishes and made mom buy 2 more packets and watched the fishes swarming and zooming by, and swiftly cruising underneath once poris got over. I wanted to play in the running water, take bath rather and found another set of steps, where no one was there.
The security for the dressing room, said, folks used come bellege to take bath. So i got down into water and just sprinkled my head with water and came out. While we were there, we found so many marriage invitation cards being washed in the river. It was for a june 3rd marriage, some reddy. I mentally blessed those couple for a happy married life and a son, only then, i found, there were simply too many cards for it be considered the left over extra cards. It was due to a marriage that didn’t take place.
I walked back, towards the forest instead of going to Mayura. It was 2:15 pm and we decided to walk till 3:15 pm towards the forests. It was an awesome forest, with birds chirping well in advance, when some vehicle was coming, it gave a sense of spookiness. I got a bit adventurous, walking where ever the path led. At last i wanted water and found a place where they had some sodas and drank that. Only while returning, we had a breathtaking panoramic view. Clouds were touching the hills and it was plain grass with few bushes strewn here and there. It was cinematic and so scenic that i was enthralled. Suddenly, mom decided, that we need to rush back, since a lorry had come too close to us with arms flailing around. We hitchhiked back in a milk jeep and took another auto for the rest of the journey.
Back to blore
It was 7 pm, when we decided to gobble some dinner. This time, i felt i needed to see KS temple. When i was in 7th, it used to be muruga constantly on my lips, I frankly don’t know when i started with Shiva. So we went in there and this time, i felt some force, i felt overwhelmed with divinity. I had proper darshan, that lingered for some extra time and i prayed for everyone and it was 8:30 pm. We had to vacate the room and have dinner as well. We didn’t wait for annadhana and ate in same kumarakripa and boarded a jeep back to station. There was no light leading to the station and it was pitch dark with odd headlights of vehicles zooming by in the opposite direction.
As i reflect back, it was a charming place. I had not seen emeralds shine as brightly as those verdant leaves shivering like a nubile seraph out there in the rain. Not in patches, the sylvan surroundings were all over, engulfing us, immersing us in its fecundity everywhere our eyes settled. It was truly breathtaking, so awe inspiring, so inviting for just being one with Mother Nature.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Why do people scale heights?
After a long time, I went for walking with mom tonight. Mom had traveled this whole day and hence she asked to cut short the walk. That happened to be at the cross road that took us to the water tank.
The sight of the huge 100+ feet water tank, made me nostalgic. Rewinding back to 5th standard.
Narmada and Nazreen were my friends and we three finished our last exam and were walking back from school. Those days the area around water tank was full of mango trees. We wanted to explore the mango grove and I ended up climbing up the water tank. It was around 3-4 pm. The OFT high school folks saw my Kendriya Vidyalaya uniform and the matter was informed to the school. They came to the tank, beckoned me down, my name and mother’s name was obtained. I didn’t know to lie and ended up giving my mother’s real name.
A small kid like me climbing the water tank became a hoopla for our locality. My madam Sugandhavalli made me write impositions 500 times that my hand hurt. Other teachers reprimanded me in every class. Narmada was transferred to another school. Every house where I happened to go those few days secretly whispered that I climbed the tank and I cringed at that thought. Had I been a guy, it would not have been a problem. The last time I climbed the tank was after 3 idiots, to see Sep 5. Am wondering, why do I climb water tanks and small hills. Simply because it is there. But why? True strength is not courage but lack of fear. But am filled with full blind courage and old climbers’ fear. Deadly combination.
While coming back to my cross, I passed through Nazreen’s house. Being Sunday, a strong biryani smell was permeating the whole neighbourhood from her house. My mouth watered, and I ended up buying top ramen even after 8 pm to satiate my tongue. Need to go see Nazreen and her baby daughter soon.
The sight of the huge 100+ feet water tank, made me nostalgic. Rewinding back to 5th standard.
Narmada and Nazreen were my friends and we three finished our last exam and were walking back from school. Those days the area around water tank was full of mango trees. We wanted to explore the mango grove and I ended up climbing up the water tank. It was around 3-4 pm. The OFT high school folks saw my Kendriya Vidyalaya uniform and the matter was informed to the school. They came to the tank, beckoned me down, my name and mother’s name was obtained. I didn’t know to lie and ended up giving my mother’s real name.
A small kid like me climbing the water tank became a hoopla for our locality. My madam Sugandhavalli made me write impositions 500 times that my hand hurt. Other teachers reprimanded me in every class. Narmada was transferred to another school. Every house where I happened to go those few days secretly whispered that I climbed the tank and I cringed at that thought. Had I been a guy, it would not have been a problem. The last time I climbed the tank was after 3 idiots, to see Sep 5. Am wondering, why do I climb water tanks and small hills. Simply because it is there. But why? True strength is not courage but lack of fear. But am filled with full blind courage and old climbers’ fear. Deadly combination.
While coming back to my cross, I passed through Nazreen’s house. Being Sunday, a strong biryani smell was permeating the whole neighbourhood from her house. My mouth watered, and I ended up buying top ramen even after 8 pm to satiate my tongue. Need to go see Nazreen and her baby daughter soon.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
My experience with Vipassana Meditation
I always used to wonder about things in general so much so that, when I worked in CTS, my colleagues used to ask me, why do you start your sentences with “I am wondering”. I was always religious in the naamkevaas sense. Till 7th standard for everything I used to say Muruga Muruga, later I don’t know how it got changed to Shiva Shiva, so much so that, people around me used to laugh, when I said Shiva Shiva. I had Shiva to help my movements due to my replaced hip whenever I sat or arose up and walked over the tiles. Now, I respect the common inner meaning in all religions or even atheism, how profound is this meaning and how united are all religions in universal love. Now I sense why film makers make the same old love stories and yet make profit.
Garuda puranam mentioned the origin of all diseases, but the pdf file I read, gave nothing for the 6 accidents/ hip injuries I sustained repeatedly. I used to wonder why, now I got the answer thanks to vipassana. Subconsciously I have been inviting them thanks to my previous karmas. Thanks to the goodness and love prevailing around with abundant mercy, I have now come to realize the origin and cause of all things, its merely a matter of meditating to seek the answers. I have also realized the importance of seeking such beautiful knowledge with right, proper divine goals in mind for everyone’s well being and self improvement. Hence, I have realized why these mathematicians and geniuses went mad as well.
After the end of 9 days in the vipassana center, I removed all my earrings, anklets, chain, my ring, purse and offered the same to a great soul with my father’s name, begging so that I can become a buddhist nun. He said, what foolishness, and refused to accept it. Even I felt, why should I beg, I will live the life of a Buddhist nun wherever I am. I meditated for a while and realized my purpose in life was different. If we think answers come from within, it does, if we think external, then also yes; for our results are a mixture of these two. Now, I will take life as it comes with complete awareness.
How did vipassana happen?
Being a devotee of almighty, I used to travel 6 hours one way for Thirvuvanamalai girivalam on full moons whenever it was possible. Unlike other full moons, I travelled last December for karthigai deepam with an exchange student who was studying law. While I was concerned for his safety, it so happened that my purse and mobile were stolen in that trip and he happened to lend me his money. He was planning for Vipassana the next day in Chennai. So I should thank him and the prof.
Back in the institute, I always struggled with vipassana, but in March and April, I had the divine opportunity of meditating in dhyana Kendra thanks to friend’s wedding in Gobi, staying for a while in ramana ashram, going to virupaksha cave thanks to another prof. I lost track of time till May; my family tells me that I was without food for more than a week. Now I realize everything happens in time with proper efforts now and for good. Am glad now and I wish, everyone is blessed with greater joy and bliss.
Now I understand the meaning of Maharshi Ramana’s remarks to a question asked by a Malayalee devotee in 1930s. Devotee asks, is not social service better than sitting and meditating. Maharshi replies, the sea is not aware of its own waves and the soul is not aware of its own ego. How profound is this reply. May all the good souls bless this universe with love and mercy and happiness.
Garuda puranam mentioned the origin of all diseases, but the pdf file I read, gave nothing for the 6 accidents/ hip injuries I sustained repeatedly. I used to wonder why, now I got the answer thanks to vipassana. Subconsciously I have been inviting them thanks to my previous karmas. Thanks to the goodness and love prevailing around with abundant mercy, I have now come to realize the origin and cause of all things, its merely a matter of meditating to seek the answers. I have also realized the importance of seeking such beautiful knowledge with right, proper divine goals in mind for everyone’s well being and self improvement. Hence, I have realized why these mathematicians and geniuses went mad as well.
After the end of 9 days in the vipassana center, I removed all my earrings, anklets, chain, my ring, purse and offered the same to a great soul with my father’s name, begging so that I can become a buddhist nun. He said, what foolishness, and refused to accept it. Even I felt, why should I beg, I will live the life of a Buddhist nun wherever I am. I meditated for a while and realized my purpose in life was different. If we think answers come from within, it does, if we think external, then also yes; for our results are a mixture of these two. Now, I will take life as it comes with complete awareness.
How did vipassana happen?
Being a devotee of almighty, I used to travel 6 hours one way for Thirvuvanamalai girivalam on full moons whenever it was possible. Unlike other full moons, I travelled last December for karthigai deepam with an exchange student who was studying law. While I was concerned for his safety, it so happened that my purse and mobile were stolen in that trip and he happened to lend me his money. He was planning for Vipassana the next day in Chennai. So I should thank him and the prof.
Back in the institute, I always struggled with vipassana, but in March and April, I had the divine opportunity of meditating in dhyana Kendra thanks to friend’s wedding in Gobi, staying for a while in ramana ashram, going to virupaksha cave thanks to another prof. I lost track of time till May; my family tells me that I was without food for more than a week. Now I realize everything happens in time with proper efforts now and for good. Am glad now and I wish, everyone is blessed with greater joy and bliss.
Now I understand the meaning of Maharshi Ramana’s remarks to a question asked by a Malayalee devotee in 1930s. Devotee asks, is not social service better than sitting and meditating. Maharshi replies, the sea is not aware of its own waves and the soul is not aware of its own ego. How profound is this reply. May all the good souls bless this universe with love and mercy and happiness.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Udipi and Malpe Beach
The Idea
On Wednesday, the night before pongal, the doctor pinged to say that he had got selected in Aesthavagen and that he was too happy to read for his exams. He said he was going to Meenakshi temple and I said, i will tag along. So we went and while returning from temple, he was talking about this beautiful place called Agumbe and how he had a family out there that would let him stay. He said, there are so many waterfalls and it was the best place to see the sunset. He said, he used to take his bike and go to Malpe beach and spend hours there. I was struck with Agumbe now and fairy tale like images of waterfalls trespassed my mind.
The same night i gathered folks for the trip. Tickets were booked to Udipi and plan was made, first to see the Krishna temple and then to Malpe beach, St. Mary’s islands (spellings ranged from Marry to Merry on the painted boards). Folks were more keen on beach than Agumbe.
Friday Night
My telephonic interview was scheduled at 4:30 and till then, I missed having my evening snacks in mess, waited tensely without freshening up. At 7:40 placecom said, the call has been postponed to Monday 4:30 pm. Around the same time my friend dropped in. At 8:45 was the bus departure from Jayanagar 4th block and he lingered around while I shoved all my stuff in my bag. I hurried, forgetting my purse, forgetting to change from my bathroom slippers, forgetting my umbrella. I had to borrow 500 from him at main gate and boarded the bus just in time.
Saturday Morning with Udipi SriKrishna
We quickly took bath, went to temple. Had a peaceful darshan. I had been there once in 1994 and after that this was the second time. I was surprised to see Krishna caged like that. It was like seeing a divine prisoner. We gave flowers, drank the teertha. Prayed for a while, gave way as cows were being led inside the temple. Apparently, on 18th some guruji was coming, so preparations were in full swing for the event, right from stage decoration to temple tinkering.
After darshan, we had a light breakfast of 2 idlies and bought fruits and boarded a bus to Malpe Beach. I felt as if there was a basket of dead fish next to me. It stank like fish everywhere.
Temple Entrance
Raths outside the temple
Whatz cooking behind the screens?
St. Mary’s Islands
Apparently it was a group of islands, one of them being coconut island. I just explored a part of the coconut island in the hot scorching afternoon. It was hot and i was glad, i bought a new lavender umbrella. We had to get down one stop before the Malpe beach to board the ferry to this coconut island. We got a entry ticket for 2. The fish stench was unbearable. Workers and fishermen were earning their livelihood, while i covered my nose and kept my words to bare minimum and walked under the hot sun, with the umbrella as my sole protection. A few minutes after we reached the counter, we bought tickets for 80 each. The huge houseflies there were stubborn, which refused to fly away with a wave. I took a newspaper to keep the flies away. Bald eagles, sea gulls and many kinds of sea birds were circling above. Tiny tadpole like fishes were swimming near the ferry. The ferry started and there were many families with cartons of beer bottles, many cute pairs. I was smitten by the charming allure of muslim girls in burqa, and svelte gals in dressed in sleek outfits.
We had fruits for lunch. Lounged under a coconut tree watching the waves beat against the vertical black rectangular rocks. These rocks looked as if, someone had taken pains to chop off rectangular pieces to shape them thus. There were big black crabs scampering all around and so many other sea creatures. I begged my friends to let me swim, stating, where do we have beaches in Bangalore and I don't know when i will come back to sea. The rocks below were slippery with moss and algae. I tried to walk between the rocks. I didn’t know about Malpe beach and was thinking that, that too would be covered with rocks. So i took on to swimming in the rocky sea from one rock to another. It was a small distance but i was exhausted and when i wanted to hold on to the rocks, i found there were so many black crabs black as the rock crawling around. I missed the rock and found i was going under water. Luckily, equally scared crabs made way for me to hold on to the rocks and gave me space to rest on it for a while. I bruised my knees, my knuckles, got a tear on my little finger, that burns even now. While returning to the shore, I floated on my back and on the beach, hoarded small mountains of sea shells. As we progressed away from the water, the same shells, got broken into smaller and smaller pieces forming the beach sand in a motley of colours.
Rocky Coconut Island – St. Mary’s Islands
Rocks rocks everywhere
Malpe Beach
We took an auto for 30 from St Mary’s Ferry Stop to Malpe beach. It was around 4:30 pm. I was so glad to see the beach without rocks. I had been swimming only in the pool all these days and it was joy unspeakable to swim in the sea and feel the waves. I jumped and played and swam in the sea, savouring the pristine golden sunset, exuding all its warmth in golden yellow, brilliant orange, scarlet red, crimson pink and ravishing blue. We were all soaked in the golden twilight. I played in the water even after the sun set, for hours after it got completely dark unmindful of my legs hurting. At 7, everyone left, except of couple of 1st year engg college students from Gulbarga. I played till even those guys said, return, for it has become dark. So i bid adieu to the sea at last, while my friends back on the beach scolded me on choosing not to pay heed to their words all these hours. We came back, had a quick bath and i discovered that my copper bracelet was shining like a new one. I was glad to have spent some time in the salty sea water. We just had time to have a quick bath and dinner of roti-dal fry and board our bus back to bangalore.
After sunset in Malpe Beach
Now am seriously going to prepare for interviews. Lost so much time. Got to see Agumbe by Feb mid when Sugi comes.
On Wednesday, the night before pongal, the doctor pinged to say that he had got selected in Aesthavagen and that he was too happy to read for his exams. He said he was going to Meenakshi temple and I said, i will tag along. So we went and while returning from temple, he was talking about this beautiful place called Agumbe and how he had a family out there that would let him stay. He said, there are so many waterfalls and it was the best place to see the sunset. He said, he used to take his bike and go to Malpe beach and spend hours there. I was struck with Agumbe now and fairy tale like images of waterfalls trespassed my mind.
The same night i gathered folks for the trip. Tickets were booked to Udipi and plan was made, first to see the Krishna temple and then to Malpe beach, St. Mary’s islands (spellings ranged from Marry to Merry on the painted boards). Folks were more keen on beach than Agumbe.
Friday Night
My telephonic interview was scheduled at 4:30 and till then, I missed having my evening snacks in mess, waited tensely without freshening up. At 7:40 placecom said, the call has been postponed to Monday 4:30 pm. Around the same time my friend dropped in. At 8:45 was the bus departure from Jayanagar 4th block and he lingered around while I shoved all my stuff in my bag. I hurried, forgetting my purse, forgetting to change from my bathroom slippers, forgetting my umbrella. I had to borrow 500 from him at main gate and boarded the bus just in time.
Saturday Morning with Udipi SriKrishna
We quickly took bath, went to temple. Had a peaceful darshan. I had been there once in 1994 and after that this was the second time. I was surprised to see Krishna caged like that. It was like seeing a divine prisoner. We gave flowers, drank the teertha. Prayed for a while, gave way as cows were being led inside the temple. Apparently, on 18th some guruji was coming, so preparations were in full swing for the event, right from stage decoration to temple tinkering.
After darshan, we had a light breakfast of 2 idlies and bought fruits and boarded a bus to Malpe Beach. I felt as if there was a basket of dead fish next to me. It stank like fish everywhere.
Temple Entrance
Raths outside the temple
Whatz cooking behind the screens?
St. Mary’s Islands
Apparently it was a group of islands, one of them being coconut island. I just explored a part of the coconut island in the hot scorching afternoon. It was hot and i was glad, i bought a new lavender umbrella. We had to get down one stop before the Malpe beach to board the ferry to this coconut island. We got a entry ticket for 2. The fish stench was unbearable. Workers and fishermen were earning their livelihood, while i covered my nose and kept my words to bare minimum and walked under the hot sun, with the umbrella as my sole protection. A few minutes after we reached the counter, we bought tickets for 80 each. The huge houseflies there were stubborn, which refused to fly away with a wave. I took a newspaper to keep the flies away. Bald eagles, sea gulls and many kinds of sea birds were circling above. Tiny tadpole like fishes were swimming near the ferry. The ferry started and there were many families with cartons of beer bottles, many cute pairs. I was smitten by the charming allure of muslim girls in burqa, and svelte gals in dressed in sleek outfits.
We had fruits for lunch. Lounged under a coconut tree watching the waves beat against the vertical black rectangular rocks. These rocks looked as if, someone had taken pains to chop off rectangular pieces to shape them thus. There were big black crabs scampering all around and so many other sea creatures. I begged my friends to let me swim, stating, where do we have beaches in Bangalore and I don't know when i will come back to sea. The rocks below were slippery with moss and algae. I tried to walk between the rocks. I didn’t know about Malpe beach and was thinking that, that too would be covered with rocks. So i took on to swimming in the rocky sea from one rock to another. It was a small distance but i was exhausted and when i wanted to hold on to the rocks, i found there were so many black crabs black as the rock crawling around. I missed the rock and found i was going under water. Luckily, equally scared crabs made way for me to hold on to the rocks and gave me space to rest on it for a while. I bruised my knees, my knuckles, got a tear on my little finger, that burns even now. While returning to the shore, I floated on my back and on the beach, hoarded small mountains of sea shells. As we progressed away from the water, the same shells, got broken into smaller and smaller pieces forming the beach sand in a motley of colours.
Rocky Coconut Island – St. Mary’s Islands
Rocks rocks everywhere
Malpe Beach
We took an auto for 30 from St Mary’s Ferry Stop to Malpe beach. It was around 4:30 pm. I was so glad to see the beach without rocks. I had been swimming only in the pool all these days and it was joy unspeakable to swim in the sea and feel the waves. I jumped and played and swam in the sea, savouring the pristine golden sunset, exuding all its warmth in golden yellow, brilliant orange, scarlet red, crimson pink and ravishing blue. We were all soaked in the golden twilight. I played in the water even after the sun set, for hours after it got completely dark unmindful of my legs hurting. At 7, everyone left, except of couple of 1st year engg college students from Gulbarga. I played till even those guys said, return, for it has become dark. So i bid adieu to the sea at last, while my friends back on the beach scolded me on choosing not to pay heed to their words all these hours. We came back, had a quick bath and i discovered that my copper bracelet was shining like a new one. I was glad to have spent some time in the salty sea water. We just had time to have a quick bath and dinner of roti-dal fry and board our bus back to bangalore.
After sunset in Malpe Beach
Now am seriously going to prepare for interviews. Lost so much time. Got to see Agumbe by Feb mid when Sugi comes.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
2 Deaths
I came out of swimming pool and tried mom’s number while walking back to board the bus at the busstand, which is a good 12 minutes walk from the pool. She didn’t pick it up. So i called Cheenu and he said, it has been 9 months. Therefore, all this.
December 29th 2006
The Dream
Those days we were living in Palavakkam – sugi, I, Ani, and one NV24 girl. We had the room leading to the bedroom between kitchen and the second bedroom. Sugi and I slept off. That night i had a dream. I saw my ammayi sleeping on the cot dressed in green pattu sari. There were crowds of people, moving around. Even dad was in my dream.
Next day Morning
The next morning, i woke up and my sister in her usual calm voice said, that ammayi had passed away last night. She had got the call around 11 pm and she didn’t tell me because she was afraid that i would travel without bothering about the hour. She was right. I would not have minded midnight travelling. I was angry with her. My dream flashed in front of me. Last time i went to my mom's native place, I remembered ammayi, sitting on the dry riverbed watching me till i disappeared.
The trip
Last time, i went to get her ashirvaadham in a wedding, she made me walk to see for herself, if my legs were ok. Back in the bus, I felt my throat hurting. I was crying all the way. I told my relatives, not to take her before i reached. I took a bus to koyembedu. Then one to Namakkal and another one to Musiri. I got the garlands and it was close to 4 pm. So i hired an ambassador, got a garland and hurried and later dad called up to say that they could not wait any longer and they had buried her. Others were scolding me that because of me, the crowd had dwindled and only few were left to accompany her to her last destination. I decided am not to step in that house. My cousins and mom, chithi hopped on to the car and we reached musiri busstand. I decided, am not going to come home, instead i will go to my cousin’s house. I wanted to withdraw money from KVB atm and my ICICI debit card got stuck in the ATM. It took some time for the bank guy to come and retrieve my card.
Akka’s home
We reached her home around 10:30 pm. Next to it was a temple. My mama was a poojari. Apparently my akka had to wear a white sari because of this during her wedding. Every morning, she had to clean the temple premises in addition to her own house. It was a village and December cold was biting into my bones. In the morning, mama had got lots of vegetables and we made chappati since i was their special guest. My niece and nephew were excited by having a chithi amidst them after more than decade. By afternoon, he dropped me at the busstop and i reached home.
After all this ammayi came again once in my dream, this time with my mom’s brother and she was scolding me, literally slapping me. After that she disappeared for ever.
April 10, 2009, Unforgettable Good Friday
The evening before
It was during my summer internship. While returning from Biocon office, after reaching campus post office gate, i used to talk to dad over phone till i reached hostel. Whenever i had to walk on Bangalore roads alone i used to talk to dad and walk, be it going to parlour or buying veggies. This time, on April 9th when i called him, he didn’t sound well. He said he had severe back pain. His back pain was a recurring thing after a scooter accident decades ago. I asked if he had someone to go to hospital with. He said, yes. He meant my step mom. Later my cousin claimed he was there, when i had called dad. I called up my brother who lived 8 kms away to accompany dad to hospital. He dismissed it off, due to earlier misunderstandings again due to me. Even now, he continues to blame, that i didn’t stress enough that he should have accompanied dad to hospital. How was I to know that this was a heart attack?
The D – Day
At night, before going to sleep, i prayed that dad should be healthy and not have any pain. I woke up in the morning and found calls from my uncle. I had not brushed my teeth. So i didn’t attend his calls. I took bath, lit lamp and prayed that dad should not have any pain. I prayed for dad. I then called up uncle and he said, that dad was taken to hospital and that he was really sick. I went back to my ganesha and prayed , that if he is alive, let him not have any pain. If he had to have pain, let him rather die without pain than being bedridden with excruciating pain. Think i should have prayed for his life as well, in addition to relief from pain. Later mom called up to say that dad had died. They were separated for almost 2-3 years now. I could not believe my ears. I retorted what uncle had told that dad was serious. Then i saw the 4 missed calls of uncle and he confirmed what mom said. I was shocked. It was good Friday, so we didn’t have office. So i decided i will go have my first meal for the day before embarking on this unreserved journey. I went to Amritha Kalash, bought one curd rice, had just one spoon. But, could not eat any further. I just left the food. I went about mechanically, calling up my PM to say that i will not be coming to office tomorrow. Near the auditorium, i remembered that i had to dry my clothes from the washing machine. I asked DG to do it for me. I was told, i didn’t have to hurry, that they have kept him in a ice box, so that sugi could join from rohtak.
The trip
Around 12 pm, I took an auto to silkboard. A bus to hosur. Another bus to salem. Another bus to namakkal. I was wondering, why they didn’t take him to oft. I was still shocked. I sat on the gearboxes, i sat without thinking. I reached namakkal around 7:30. I called up Cheenu to ask, if they had something to eat. He said, no. He was shocked and he was feeling very guilty that he had not done his duties as a son. I had 2 idlies and then one more on banana leaf in a hotel in nammakkal busstand. I took the bus to mahadevi. My cousin was waiting with a tvs bike. I sat behind and went and saw for myself. Dad was indeed inside a icebox. My grandmom hugged me and cried. I still had no tears coming out.
The nonsense
I was told sugi would be joining us soon. I comforted my visibly distressed bro. I told him, don’t feel bad, he was destined to go that way - unattended. I was feeling so bad, that i didn’t do many things, i could have done as a daughter. I didn’t cook food for him, while i was hurrying for office. Though i prepared dinner after i came back. I was glad, he agreed to pose during my bro’s convocation in the beginning of April. For my sister's convo he had refused to stand in the same frame with mom.
I kept staring at dad. I was afraid to go next to him and slept outside on a mat under the bare sky with naked tubelights next to me attracting flies. One fly got into my ear and i woke up and went to sit next to dad’s box. It was around 3 am and my cousins were asking about dad’s bank details. I was angry and i told them, i had no clue about his bank details and his card pin number. I just slept next to dad’s box and i felt really strange to be lying next to him like this.
In the morning, people came, i just brushed my teeth. During brushing my eldest aunt came and asked me, if i knew what dad had done with this retirement money. When dad retired on Jan 24th, i told him, give the aunties, before they ask. Dad had replied, what will i do then. I stopped after that. No one knew what dad did with his retirement money. He had invested everything in his lady’s paper cup machines. No one got anything. So i swore to god, disgusted that by god’s promise, i didn’t know anything about dad’s money. I could not withdraw 10k as my bro had asked due to atm issue. I had got only 5k. In the morning, i gave that to my cousin. They ended up getting numerous saris with that for mom. My dad never wanted mom to wear her thaali. Now for this ritual, she had to wear this, so that it could be plucked off. She had to wear bangles so that it could be broken off. I was tired after a days journey and nearly sleepless night. So in the morning, while ladies came in packs, made a circle and cried, i tried to close my eyes and just collapsed on a coir rope cot. There were drunkard uncles who advised me not to sleep on this side of the coir cot. I just wanted to escape from this. Mom never cried, even for the worst thing. So i just had to console my bro and sis. They both were heartbroken, because they had never attended his calls. I was always yes-dad gal.
My dad’s houseowner only knew me and my stepmom and grandmom. The houseowner’s mom had died and he had his head tonsured. Only after they introduced themselves as houseowners, i remembered them. I served them food around 3 pm. Dad’s colleagues were asking over mobile if the news was true. I was sick of attending his friends calls.
I was planning to start around 11 pm, so that i will not reach blore in unearthly hours. But the bickering of my dads relatives for the share of bike and furniture in his new rented house made me crazy. I decided to leave at 7 pm. I felt 2-3 am in deserted bangalore streets was far better than these crazy relatives who laid new rules.
Back to Bangalore
Came back to hostel around 3 am. I slept. I went about mechanically. Only then, i realized, oh my god, i should have prayed differently. I was missing dad while walking alone. Now it has been 9 months since he died, and now it hurts my throat. God, dad was so caring, but in the end, everyone including his mom said, he left nothing for her to take care of her during her old days. Dad did everything for others. He tried to raise 2 of his sisters kids. He provided for all his sisters all his life, yet towards the end, no one was grateful for all that he had done. He gave out his life for us, yet towards the end, no one was next to him. I didn’t know that back pain was a symptom for heart attack.
Recently dad appeared twice, while i was still awake. Call it hallucination as in Twilight New Moon appearing and disappearing. Twice the Friday before last, and once when i was coming downhill Sivaganga. On and off he flashes. I have a feeling, he still has not entered another womb. He is up there somewhere. Gustave’s dream interpretations for dad is not all that good. On and off, he still comes in my dreams. Wish...
December 29th 2006
The Dream
Those days we were living in Palavakkam – sugi, I, Ani, and one NV24 girl. We had the room leading to the bedroom between kitchen and the second bedroom. Sugi and I slept off. That night i had a dream. I saw my ammayi sleeping on the cot dressed in green pattu sari. There were crowds of people, moving around. Even dad was in my dream.
Next day Morning
The next morning, i woke up and my sister in her usual calm voice said, that ammayi had passed away last night. She had got the call around 11 pm and she didn’t tell me because she was afraid that i would travel without bothering about the hour. She was right. I would not have minded midnight travelling. I was angry with her. My dream flashed in front of me. Last time i went to my mom's native place, I remembered ammayi, sitting on the dry riverbed watching me till i disappeared.
The trip
Last time, i went to get her ashirvaadham in a wedding, she made me walk to see for herself, if my legs were ok. Back in the bus, I felt my throat hurting. I was crying all the way. I told my relatives, not to take her before i reached. I took a bus to koyembedu. Then one to Namakkal and another one to Musiri. I got the garlands and it was close to 4 pm. So i hired an ambassador, got a garland and hurried and later dad called up to say that they could not wait any longer and they had buried her. Others were scolding me that because of me, the crowd had dwindled and only few were left to accompany her to her last destination. I decided am not to step in that house. My cousins and mom, chithi hopped on to the car and we reached musiri busstand. I decided, am not going to come home, instead i will go to my cousin’s house. I wanted to withdraw money from KVB atm and my ICICI debit card got stuck in the ATM. It took some time for the bank guy to come and retrieve my card.
Akka’s home
We reached her home around 10:30 pm. Next to it was a temple. My mama was a poojari. Apparently my akka had to wear a white sari because of this during her wedding. Every morning, she had to clean the temple premises in addition to her own house. It was a village and December cold was biting into my bones. In the morning, mama had got lots of vegetables and we made chappati since i was their special guest. My niece and nephew were excited by having a chithi amidst them after more than decade. By afternoon, he dropped me at the busstop and i reached home.
After all this ammayi came again once in my dream, this time with my mom’s brother and she was scolding me, literally slapping me. After that she disappeared for ever.
April 10, 2009, Unforgettable Good Friday
The evening before
It was during my summer internship. While returning from Biocon office, after reaching campus post office gate, i used to talk to dad over phone till i reached hostel. Whenever i had to walk on Bangalore roads alone i used to talk to dad and walk, be it going to parlour or buying veggies. This time, on April 9th when i called him, he didn’t sound well. He said he had severe back pain. His back pain was a recurring thing after a scooter accident decades ago. I asked if he had someone to go to hospital with. He said, yes. He meant my step mom. Later my cousin claimed he was there, when i had called dad. I called up my brother who lived 8 kms away to accompany dad to hospital. He dismissed it off, due to earlier misunderstandings again due to me. Even now, he continues to blame, that i didn’t stress enough that he should have accompanied dad to hospital. How was I to know that this was a heart attack?
The D – Day
At night, before going to sleep, i prayed that dad should be healthy and not have any pain. I woke up in the morning and found calls from my uncle. I had not brushed my teeth. So i didn’t attend his calls. I took bath, lit lamp and prayed that dad should not have any pain. I prayed for dad. I then called up uncle and he said, that dad was taken to hospital and that he was really sick. I went back to my ganesha and prayed , that if he is alive, let him not have any pain. If he had to have pain, let him rather die without pain than being bedridden with excruciating pain. Think i should have prayed for his life as well, in addition to relief from pain. Later mom called up to say that dad had died. They were separated for almost 2-3 years now. I could not believe my ears. I retorted what uncle had told that dad was serious. Then i saw the 4 missed calls of uncle and he confirmed what mom said. I was shocked. It was good Friday, so we didn’t have office. So i decided i will go have my first meal for the day before embarking on this unreserved journey. I went to Amritha Kalash, bought one curd rice, had just one spoon. But, could not eat any further. I just left the food. I went about mechanically, calling up my PM to say that i will not be coming to office tomorrow. Near the auditorium, i remembered that i had to dry my clothes from the washing machine. I asked DG to do it for me. I was told, i didn’t have to hurry, that they have kept him in a ice box, so that sugi could join from rohtak.
The trip
Around 12 pm, I took an auto to silkboard. A bus to hosur. Another bus to salem. Another bus to namakkal. I was wondering, why they didn’t take him to oft. I was still shocked. I sat on the gearboxes, i sat without thinking. I reached namakkal around 7:30. I called up Cheenu to ask, if they had something to eat. He said, no. He was shocked and he was feeling very guilty that he had not done his duties as a son. I had 2 idlies and then one more on banana leaf in a hotel in nammakkal busstand. I took the bus to mahadevi. My cousin was waiting with a tvs bike. I sat behind and went and saw for myself. Dad was indeed inside a icebox. My grandmom hugged me and cried. I still had no tears coming out.
The nonsense
I was told sugi would be joining us soon. I comforted my visibly distressed bro. I told him, don’t feel bad, he was destined to go that way - unattended. I was feeling so bad, that i didn’t do many things, i could have done as a daughter. I didn’t cook food for him, while i was hurrying for office. Though i prepared dinner after i came back. I was glad, he agreed to pose during my bro’s convocation in the beginning of April. For my sister's convo he had refused to stand in the same frame with mom.
I kept staring at dad. I was afraid to go next to him and slept outside on a mat under the bare sky with naked tubelights next to me attracting flies. One fly got into my ear and i woke up and went to sit next to dad’s box. It was around 3 am and my cousins were asking about dad’s bank details. I was angry and i told them, i had no clue about his bank details and his card pin number. I just slept next to dad’s box and i felt really strange to be lying next to him like this.
In the morning, people came, i just brushed my teeth. During brushing my eldest aunt came and asked me, if i knew what dad had done with this retirement money. When dad retired on Jan 24th, i told him, give the aunties, before they ask. Dad had replied, what will i do then. I stopped after that. No one knew what dad did with his retirement money. He had invested everything in his lady’s paper cup machines. No one got anything. So i swore to god, disgusted that by god’s promise, i didn’t know anything about dad’s money. I could not withdraw 10k as my bro had asked due to atm issue. I had got only 5k. In the morning, i gave that to my cousin. They ended up getting numerous saris with that for mom. My dad never wanted mom to wear her thaali. Now for this ritual, she had to wear this, so that it could be plucked off. She had to wear bangles so that it could be broken off. I was tired after a days journey and nearly sleepless night. So in the morning, while ladies came in packs, made a circle and cried, i tried to close my eyes and just collapsed on a coir rope cot. There were drunkard uncles who advised me not to sleep on this side of the coir cot. I just wanted to escape from this. Mom never cried, even for the worst thing. So i just had to console my bro and sis. They both were heartbroken, because they had never attended his calls. I was always yes-dad gal.
My dad’s houseowner only knew me and my stepmom and grandmom. The houseowner’s mom had died and he had his head tonsured. Only after they introduced themselves as houseowners, i remembered them. I served them food around 3 pm. Dad’s colleagues were asking over mobile if the news was true. I was sick of attending his friends calls.
I was planning to start around 11 pm, so that i will not reach blore in unearthly hours. But the bickering of my dads relatives for the share of bike and furniture in his new rented house made me crazy. I decided to leave at 7 pm. I felt 2-3 am in deserted bangalore streets was far better than these crazy relatives who laid new rules.
Back to Bangalore
Came back to hostel around 3 am. I slept. I went about mechanically. Only then, i realized, oh my god, i should have prayed differently. I was missing dad while walking alone. Now it has been 9 months since he died, and now it hurts my throat. God, dad was so caring, but in the end, everyone including his mom said, he left nothing for her to take care of her during her old days. Dad did everything for others. He tried to raise 2 of his sisters kids. He provided for all his sisters all his life, yet towards the end, no one was grateful for all that he had done. He gave out his life for us, yet towards the end, no one was next to him. I didn’t know that back pain was a symptom for heart attack.
Recently dad appeared twice, while i was still awake. Call it hallucination as in Twilight New Moon appearing and disappearing. Twice the Friday before last, and once when i was coming downhill Sivaganga. On and off he flashes. I have a feeling, he still has not entered another womb. He is up there somewhere. Gustave’s dream interpretations for dad is not all that good. On and off, he still comes in my dreams. Wish...
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