Courage = Patience???

श्रेयश्च प्रेयश्च मनुष्यमेतः तौ सम्परीत्य विविनक्ति धीरः |
श्रेयो हि धीरोभी प्रेयसो वृणीते प्रेयो मन्दो  योगक्षेमाद्वृनीते  || २ ||
śreyaśca preyaśca manuṣyametaḥ tau samparītya vivinakti dhīraḥ |
śreyo hi dhīro'bhi preyaso vṛṇīte preyo mando yogakśemādvṛṇīte || 2||

The good and the pleasant take hold of man; the wise man
examines and distinguishes them.The wise man prefers the
good (sreyas) to the pleasant,but the ignorant man chooses
the pleasant (preyas) for the sake of the body.(I.2.2) source

How it Started?

There are many mornings, when I lie wide awake on the bed, trying to make sense of my vivid dream. I was up around 3:30 am. So when am unable to go back to sleep, I keep the speaker close to my ears to continue listening to bhasyas. My ears hurt with headset, with speakers at the lowest volume, it does not hurt. Incidentally what was playing then was Katha Upanisad, second valli, second mantra, explanation by Swami Sarveshananda downloaded from internet.

Something has changed. I no longer step outside home to go to temples. I abhor the crowd in any temple or satsang, justified after stampede deaths.  I go to temples only when I have lost the focus of God within. The teacher’s explanation for courage – dhīro in the above verse made me look back at lives of a section of women in the previous generation. I wonder how domestic violence got linked to courage of the shloka early morning, instead of doing my ablutions and yog and pranayama, I was keying this on bed. I had read articles on domestic violence at least 3 years ago.  Now am wondering, perhaps could be because, with lagnesha mangal in anusham, and kanya-shukra, i get mired as witness to situations which angels dread.

Some lives...
For instance, I saw a chart where the lady with a full time job, had mangal in her 7th house with unfavourable dristis as well. After 3 years of courtship and marriage thereafter, as predicted, she was subjected to domestic violence, to the extent of hospitalization after bones being fractured, blood flowing across the rooms of the floor, locks of hair being individually plucked out. Her husband would torture her even before he stepped inside the home, starting to hurt her even as he parked his vehicle, still the wife would serve him food after that.  She would not shed a drop of tear or beg for stopping the violence for she had an ascendant in simha maham. This would make him hurt her more.
The classical Linda Goodman case of 2 cardinal pairs  - an overbearing Cancerian husband and a submissive leonine wife. She bore it. For 30+ years, the recalcitrant husband beat her black and blue till he died, still she brought up his children and took care of him when he was down and financially helped his relatives.

Again, there was this June 5th housewife with an Oct 10th husband. She would say, she hurt herself against the bathroom pipe, even though the whole neighbourhood knew it was her husband who made her face swollen.

Yet again, these Uriah Heepish uncles/helps are people i feel like running away from. They call you Chinnamma, bend backwards with needless service. Yet mercilessly throw acids on their wives after 23 years of marriage. The domestic help and her husband were helping this family for more than 10 years. Wonder, what did he hope to achieve, what problem he hoped to solve, by throwing toilet cleaning acid on his wife's face. Another, carpenter uncle, beat his wife black and blue with a wooden log, that she decided to starve to death in her native place after 20+ years of marriage. The fact was after few months, she decided to live back with the very same guy who had clubbed her to near death. Mars - 30% of charts are adversarial for that matter.  After 3 decades of living together, one thing everyone craves is for peace within as one nears death. In 50s to be subjected to violence, the very same soul who pursued future wife against the world! - human love or whatever is ephemeral, function of time-space and associated planetary combinations.

Earlier I was furious with the patience of such women. One act of violence against my physical body, I would not have rested unless, the person was tortured and hacked to a thousand pieces. Why did they bear it and let it continue? Only in provoked or similar movies, the effect lasts for a few hours, in reality, the emotional scars of domestic violence, persist over lifetimes, at times, get passed on to progenies as well. Hitler is a well known effect.

I felt when in the present generation, a Dec 25, a Feb 10 and another May 8th walked out of domestic violence to live a separated life with their daughters, it was a wise decision. One lady was a manager, another was a director. A no father was better than a wife beating father. Quarreling parents are better than being abandoned to beg on streets as orphans. Of course, for a section of society, this very situation would not make any sense. Guys would enquire incredulously; do men really raise their hand to beat their loved ones?

Courage and Patience
The explanation Swamiji gave for courage was patience coupled with clarity. Without clarity, it became tolerance leading to frustration. The courageous lower middle class women in the previous generation – some well educated for their generation and working, bore these brutal acts of their husbands, with a long term focus on the conviction on the sanctity of marriage, family and companionship. The kind of inner courage of the women required for such supreme patience with long term focus is Himalayan.

What is courage, am still wondering - fighting back for immediate gratification of revenge or maintain calm and patience, letting the act of physical violence take its own course on the inflictor. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The first time our physics sir, asked what is the immediate reaction when you slap someone, one Sep 16 classmate said, there will be an equal pain in the hand that slapped.

Swallowing my anguish, i would try listening to these wife beaters, trying to understand their point of view. Super sensitive souls tormented by one single word of their wives, which they run in loop for years, financial distress associated with their in-competencies which they conveniently blame on wife, few cases, linking it to imagined adultery of their wives, because of their own adulterous inclinations, invariably linked to alcoholism. They want to change their wives for better it seems by inflicting violence on them. There was one chart which supports the view that wife's strong karma sthana has implications for the husband's career as well.

So is this it?
Many say that what the partner does is actually a direct projection of one's own expectations and memories. Their behaviors are mirror projections of one's own beliefs. Does it mean, that the beaten wife actually believes or projects, she would be beaten up or that her husband would disfigure her face by throwing acid? Partner is what the self would eventually be in next life, an extension of self according to this.

If man and woman were to join thinking about the shukra (bhoga, comforts, riches, wealth etc) the partner would provide, then violence (mars), slavery (saturn), ego annihilation (sun), and adultery (rahu) guess, everything else will come into picture. Managing expectations!

In panchatantra, there was this story of husband and wife. A husband, who abandons the wife after stealing her jewels twice. The wife trusted the husband - Once is understandable. Twice is stupid. 30+ years of patience – is it courage or foolishness? If this is courage, I don’t want to understand this kind of courage.

True divine love is what unites us all, sustains us all. A love not conditional on the physical attractiveness, sensuality, riches, wealth and comfort, bhoga and all good things that Shukra promises in physical relationships. This helped. Especially the lines "if you act from divine love you will be cheerful, happy and connected; if you act from base self-interest you will feel angry, isolated and unloved." Need some more time for neutrality, a much lampooned Panglossian trust (yogakshemam vahamyaham), to stop blaming and reacting.Whatever, let my mind think about Goodness and God alone every second, so that I don’t occupy myself with oppressor and victim concept and go beyond whining. Everything unto you God! Peace!

Vaazhai Poo - Murungai Keerai More Kootu

Vaazhaipoo and Murangai keerai

Semiya Payasam, Mor kootu, Radish Sambar, Curd, Maanga thokku, Mixture

Wanted to make vaazhaipoo murungai keerai vadas. That is our favourite, but didn't want to waste oil. Wanted to make vaazhaipoo murungai keerai poriyal, but the buttermilk i added to prevent the plantain flowers from turning black, was left and also, sambar's excess dal, and excess coconut paste was also there, so ended up with kootu.

Health benefits of Vaazhaipoo - this

Who does not love eating on banana leaves - the distinct fragrance of steaming rice on banana leaf is simply divine. When we buy banana leaves from outside it is fine. But when it comes to cutting the verdant leaves from our own backyard, it hurts. We planted them as tiny baby saplings, saw them sport their first tender leaves, saw them grow up and gradually blossom into lush green teenagers and now no one minds mercilessly hacking them and eating on them.

Well anyway, it is a eat or be eaten world. I wonder, how kechari mudra helps one to avoid eating.

Omavalli - Pashanbhedi once more

Stone breaking (paashanbhedi) Omavalli

Idlies, Omavalli chutney, Tomato kurma

Omavalli leaves omam & milagai bajji with black salt

It was different, a bit hot. I didn't add any tamarind, still a bit tangy. And all that i had added was ginger, coconut and 2 chillies to omavalli. I would not have been able to eat it alone with idlis, but with plain tomato kurma, it went well. I polished off the chutney with 4 idlies.

Added Omavalli leaves to Sukku malli kaapi for my brother. If a swathi says ok, i guess, it should be ok.


Health benefits:
1. this
2. wiki
3. this

Indravalli - Mudakathan Keerai - Cardiospermum halicacabum

Indravalli

Kothumai Kambu Mudakathan Dosa with Tomato Chutney

Mudakathan Parantha with tomato chutney during dusshera holidays

Mudakathan Chappathi, Mudakathan Keerai Rasam along with Kesari, Sweet pongal

For health benefits
Uzinja
Kakadani
Cardiospermum halicacabum
All I know is that it is good for bones and joints. Replayed the scene three-four times in Masala Cafe aka kalakalapu where the thaatha relates "unave marunthu marunthe unavu" dialogue. And thereon, roadside-wildly growing mudakathan keerai entered kitchen.

I was craving for solitude. And it so happened, that the bus was late and mom had left for office. I stopped as usual under the maramalli trees to savour the fragrance for few moments and dragged the samsonite, opened the door and let myself inside home. With no one to receive me, all by myself, just the way I had wanted, somehow, it felt strange for the first hour especially after being around so many junta all the while.

Mom would never put these moth balls inside cupboards. I opened my cupboard, it was just the way, I had left it four months ago. My tshirt was mouldy, luckily, the peacock green kanchivaram had escaped.

Mom had not prepared breakfast. She had kept dosa batter outside and bittergourd curry and rice. Around 10 am, after deciding not to do yoga or pranayama, I opened fridge and figured out there was this mudakathan (indravalli keerai) and tomatoes. After 1 minute in mixie, this becomes a green glue which is more bitter than bitter gourd. But with dosa, it is yum.

Typically, I experiment with dosa mix, of course all time staple is rice/black gram. With my lazy bones, crisp ready to mix Kambu (bajra) dosas, ragi dosas, rava dosa variations or with mixie - kollu dosas or pesarattus were my life savers outside home. For this dosa, mom had already kept kambu and wheat mixed together. And Kambu kothumai mudakathan keerai dosa came out real crisp. After preparing the first dosa, I kept the next one on low flame on the stove and when I return to kitchen after eating my first dosa, I had the next crisp dosa ready. Of course, it involves 2 trips to kitchen, but it’s worth it. Was too lazy to open the back door to keep something for the birds. Ate and slept. Oh! these sleeper berths.

A beautiful Day

Certain things never cease to warm your heart. Like paruppu saadam mixed with melting ghee, a dreamless slumber that overtakes you post lunch, in spite of full glaring lights and loud audio lectures playing in VLC at full volume and a glorious twilight to greet you as you wake up.  When I woke up I was lecture 13 of oyc; each lecture lasting an average of 45 minutes.

I was so captivated by the mesmerizing sunset that I didn’t notice the slippery moss on the terrace where folks wash the clothes and came to a halt after a split second break dance. My constant prayer is, my lumbar vertebrae L3 with its protruding malunion should hold me steady till I die. Only for others, asking - how do you start your day to Sholay’s Thakur is a joke. God I missed chakrasana and surya namaskars for my spinal cord this morning, to eat hot paper roasts. At least, tomorrow, I should exercise my spinal cord.

So with breezy iyalvaahi (Peltophorum ferrugineum)  and flamboyant patadi – fountain tree with hot coal red flowers bordering the horizon, I savoured the crimson red sunset to hearts content, doing anulom vilom for few minutes with birds chirping in the background on a tower. Next time, I need to observe if they were plain bulbuls or cinereous tits, warblers or babblers. And I washed a bucketful of clothes in the divine trayodashi moonlight, not realizing that the plastic cover I had, to protect my palm skin from peeling off due to rin soap had a hole. Yay! only 17 more days for Deepawali amavasya. 2 more weeks to go home.

Am glad, cheenu goes home every other week. Mom would have company and I won’t feel bad, she is all alone. It is a beautiful world. Back to Russell now. Am still reading Russell, which I was supposed to have returned on Sep 14, 2011. Hope secretariat library does not fine Chithi too much. But shodashamshas are pulling me to its side. Hope i get someone to help me understand navamsha, trimshamsa and dvadashamsha. But what exactly is birth time. Kaal is so intriguing.

In 2008, i was a travel freak. Now, even if someone repeated asks to me join them, am too lazy to travel. Too lazy to get up and answer the door, too lazy to stretch my hands and attend phone calls. And after June Taj Mahal trip with mom, realized need to shelve off traveling forever. The 2 new moles on my sole indicates paying off foreign debts. Till am forced to, i would rather stay in the world of books, content with the steady sky above and terra firma below. Who said am locked in my room, and that am not travelling. Am rather we are all, travelling at the speed of 30Km per second. If i travelled at earth's orbital speed, i could reach my home in trichy in 11 seconds. this unmoved yet fast moving space travel is always a puzzle.

World without Money

This morning, I found I had exactly Rs 40 in my purse. My card didn’t work in ATM and I spent the last 40 on my afternoon meals. So I was without a penny in my purse. And I missed my 9 pm cab and I didn’t want to wait till 10 pm for the next cab. With hunger gnawing, I wouldn’t have been able to work as well. Sonyworld signal and office hardly takes 10-15 minutes in cab. I decided to walk braving myself against pollution, Bangalore stench and stalkers, unmindful of the heavy laptop.

I was thinking whether to walk with Krishna on my mind or talk to my sister. I decided to talk to my sister when I walked on platform and think Krishna when I walked on road. I told my sister about impending Rahu Shani yuti in December, rahu surya yuti leading to Jefferson-Hemings affair and power tariff scenario - coal blocks misallocation -  SEB losses discoms, politics from this mornings Economic Times, to explain 14 hour power cuts in Sriperumbudur.

After 25 minutes, 2 policemen flagged me down, asking me to board an auto instead of walking near Ejipura signal. I told them, my purse was empty. I could have easily got a lift, but today I was no mood to take lift. I could have borrowed, but a ruchaka ought not to borrow said lal kitab. Besides, I wanted to exhaust myself physically, so that I could have a dreamless sleep at least once. My friend had been a victim of stray ricocheted bullet which got embedded deep inside her butt, at Ejipura signal. Since both of us had kalasarpa thing, I was quite apprehensive about walking around army area.

After some time, I saw her rather him. She was quite dark and wore a dark purple sari with silver border, quite dandy with cheap zari work. She kept on removing her sari, exposing her bony cleavage showing her posterior to the speeding vehicles. She was so malnourished. My annanagar experience with eunuchs made me consider walking on road risking being hit by speeding vehicles, rather walking in close proximity to an eunuch. There, a bunch of 4-5 eunuchs, again very very poor, skinny, dressed in rags, demanded money. Thanks to metro construction, which made the road to hostel one way from rountana, I had to walk. That time, I had a 100 in my purse but I didn’t want to give away the last and only note when the eunuchs demanded. I turned back and started walking the reverse direction to escape the eunuchs. One kept her hand on my head. She said, I don’t have to change direction and she put her hands on my back and pushed me. I felt so nauseated with their touch that I skipped my dinner and was sleepless in blind fury. There is a kural 1059 which is so similar to Sartre on generousity. And there is kural which describes the agony of saying no to a beggar.

Perhaps, Bangalore, road side call eunuchs are demure ones unlike Chennai eunuchs. She moved aside to the extreme edge of the platform near the thicket and so I didn’t have to step down on the road. I passed her with fervent Krishna Krishna on my lips. A little beyond an auto was parked and the same two police men were waiting. I was reassured to see the police men near the auto. Besides I had reached Ejipura signal and my only demon left to fight was stinking sewage near Oasis Mall. I reached PG, had 2 rotis with kabuli channa and drank my ellaichi flavoured jaggery milk in silver tumbler.

Suddenly, my heart went out to the lady in purple sari. Destitute, starving, skinny. Forced to do what not to fill her stomach. During a Mangalore trip, I saw a policeman mercilessly lathi charging a woman in Majestic and then I realized she was a call girl. There are these ethereal transgender dancers, exotic escorts and entertainers and there are these deprived eunuchs. My interaction with a sociology student Ashwini, made me understand the world of eunuchs from a bio technological perspective. Her project also involved studying eunuchs genetically using blood samples tested in Sri Ramachandra hospital. Ashwini never used euphemisms and her blatant graphic descriptions of customs of eunuchs made me cry that night. It is very rare that eunuchs become accomplished bharatnatyam dancers or materially successful. For the majority, it is a life time of identity crisis. Self has no gender.

If I were ever without money, considering how profligate Librans typically are, in my old age, I would do a jain sallekhana, rather than being dependent on mortal beings for material comforts. I can reflect and just meditate to death. But to starve by choice is quite different from being forced to starve. God bless this universe with love, peace and happiness, especially my eunuch brothers and sisters. Sarvam Shrikrishnarpanamastu

Why does it happen to me only di?

Chandana is my PG caretaker’s  seven years old cute daughter.  Since I spend hours reading newspaper after breakfast, she is used to me perhaps. This morning, I was reading Hindu, when she came near and started, stomping her foot. She said, 'Why does it happen to me only akka?' in her adorable telgu englishu. What to do she chided herself, as if, she was forced to lift the whole world on her tiny shoulders.

So I asked her what happened and she said about her packing woes. She had packed 4 bags and she could not find any space to keep the exam pad in any of her four bags. She was going to Nellore -  her maternal grandparents’ home. So I asked her why she might need exam pad during 10 days holidays. She said some assignment with papers.

She is so lovely. With glowing baby skin and a nose that cringes with her expressions. I remember reading in samudriki lakshana that a girl with such a nose is a lucky mascot. Just in 2nd standard, she prepared a soupy maggi noodles for her younger brother at 10 pm. Just like all siblings growing together, she knows just to love and take care. Always forgiving and forgetting anything whatsoever. Her younger brother pushed her down on rough hard concrete floor in a fight and the skin came off her nose and elbow. The next day, she was playing around with her brother as if nothing happened.

She would show her maths exam question paper, and how she didn’t have time for the last few questions and how her tiny fingers hurt holding the pen after 2 hours. She would show me her assignments with her baby handwriting and amusing grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. I had to control so much, not to point out mistakes and take away her bubbliness as she explained. She would take up Men are from Mars series that was lying nearby to read along with me. Since kids just imitate elders, the best way to inculcate reading habit in children is perhaps to read in front of them.

That evening, my housie poured out, again why does it happen to me only di. This Lucknow babe is cute and I realized, why she is pouring out when some don’t. Another Aslesha. There is a repeating pattern of the people who open up to me. Once my roomies used to be karkas, now recently it is Meshas  - Ashwinis to be more specific.

So I told my apartmentmate about Chandana’s WhyDoesItHappenToMe predicament and she started laughing. Sometimes I wonder, elders in 80s would be amused the same way, when I talk about why does it happen to me only? Perhaps, evolved souls above would be amused the same way, when men bemoan at times on seemingly trivial things.

Sometimes I wonder, what is that am doing. Aimless. I wanted to see her – she offered to come to MDC and see me. But since this morning, some sort of ennui took over me. I took out the yoga mat, but my femur was glued and I ended up doing just pranayama instead of routine asanas. After reading newspapers, I could hardly take another step, implant was jammed thanks to prolonged sitting position.

Metal expands on heating, contracts on cooling. Why does implant not hurt in summers but hurts during rainy and chilly weather.  Postponed meeting her  - the girl who could speak, by lipreading, without hearing a sound.  Sometimes, I wonder about life without music, soothing melodious notes. Apart from the beautiful world of sounds, the practical reality of crossing roads, attending to a crying baby or a call for help from elders.